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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

3 Fashion Lessons

I've often thought about the things I might go back and tell a younger version of myself, to avoid some of the hurt, the failure and the embarrassment that I endured as a young man. Then I realized that were I do so, I would likely never become the man I am today, because as many of you know, it is precisely those hardships, hang-ups and hurts that make us who were are. Of course, there was one set of things that I think I could have avoided with a little well-placed advice from future me that would only have made things better. A set of things which, though I can't pass on to the Glenn of long ago, I can pass on to the newest generation in the hopes they might benefit similarly and those are the three things I should have told myself not to wear.

1. Ball caps. Listen, unless you're playing actual baseball or are resting your head from other athletically-required headgear, there's really never a good reason to be wearing one of these. You get a slight pass if you're attending a sporting event, but even then, c'mon, who are you kidding. It's not like the coach is going to call you into the game. Comb your hair. Additionally the only people who should ever be wearing a ball cap backwards are actual catchers. There isn't a more reliable sign of douchebaggery outside of Affliction t-shirts.

2. White socks. For the majority of my adolescence, white athletic socks were the only thing I would willingly put between my feet and my shoes. Which is a good thing, because wearing white socks to do anything besides athletics is a great way to look like you haven't quite outgrown your adolescence. On the flip side, this may be the easiest and most inexpensive way for a young man (or an older man for that matter) to look like there's more culture in his life than just the bacteria growing in the expired milk in his fridge.

3. Facial hair. I remember being in a big hurry to grow up or at least look grown up when I was younger, and so I get the reason behind the compulsion for young men to grow facial hair as soon as they're able. But, looking at it from the other side of the Mason-Dixon line of adulthood (i.e. 30) I can tell you there's no better way to be certain that you don't look grown up than to sport marginally viable facial hair. If you want to look grown up see #2 above (i.e. buy some non-white socks). By the time you're old enough to grow facial hair that doesn't make you look like a radiation survivor, you'll understand why it's a bad idea.

I can point and laugh at these things because I, at one time, participated in all of them. But, to be fair, even if I didn't I'd laugh at them anyways. And I encourage you to do the same. After all, it's that very thing that caused me to finally take my damned hat off, put on a pair of black socks and shave. Think of it as public service, or at least the peace of mind you'll get from knowing that while the newest generation may be undereducated to the point of abject fatuousness, self-absorbed to the point of borderline sociopathy, and completely incapable of supporting themselves let alone the older generations as they age, at least they'll be better dressed.


Jen and Tonic said...

My ex-boyfriends committed the sins listed above. I knew I hated them, but now I have a legitimate reason!

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