tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25383031865545009862024-03-13T12:44:29.316-07:00Three ThingsGlennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-54085195872143384992019-06-12T13:50:00.000-07:002019-06-14T15:01:38.852-07:0045 Things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This marks the tenth time that I’ve undertaken an annual list of lessons learned. It’s difficult to comprehend the breadth and depth of the changes and growth I’ve experienced in that time. I can say, without hesitation, that it was the best decade, yet and I’ve learned more in this decade than I have in any of them (except the first one). As I like to say, it’s certainly been a long and strange trip. Importantly, this has been as much an attempt to entertain as it’s been an exercise in remembering that there is life, love and learning in the journey, as well as the destination. The hits keep coming, but that’s where the lessons come from and if I ever do stop learning, that’s when I’ll know that I can stop keeping this list – or doing anything else for that matter. <br />
<br />
For those that are just joining, the links to the previous lessons are provided below; and for the rest of you – let’s get into it:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Family is an F-Word; it means a lot of different things to different people, so be careful how you use it in mixed company.</li>
<li>Looking back over ten years, the one thing that appears to have universally and persistently enraged me turns out to be (drum roll, please)… cheap cars with loud exhausts. Congratulations, that’s a decade of sucking (with no signs of slowing)</li>
<li>The only thing harder to find than good friends, is good business partners.</li>
<li>Where you live involves some measure of sacrifice: either a crazy cold winter, a crazy hot summer or the only Amazon available is the river.</li>
<li>In ten years, the sound of a crying child on an airplane has gone from something that makes me hate kids to something that makes me hate parents.</li>
<li>Business is sales, everything else is derivative.</li>
<li>The reason that the “Horror” genre is dying out is that the real scary stuff is on the news.</li>
<li>After fifteen years of studying the law, the one that makes the least sense to me (out of all of them) is the tax exemption for churches.</li>
<li>Adults that believe in fairy tales are unlikely to be relied upon for much of anything.</li>
<li>Everyone is deadly serious about everything. Seriously.</li>
<li>The most reliable voices in the modern media landscape are comedians. How’s that for irony?</li>
<li>No great thing has even been done alone. Not one.</li>
<li>Martyrdom is stupid. Always. </li>
<li>The most effective maneuver in any negotiation is to be nicer than anyone expects.</li>
<li>The hardest and most valuable skill I’ve ever learned is how to be genuinely happy for someone else.</li>
<li>Judging a book by its cover is only bad if you don’t consider changing your judgment after you’ve read it. </li>
<li>We’ve already tried everyone being un¬-educated (and that led us to universally agree to try and educate everyone), so maybe we should give that a try before we decide it’s a good idea to all be idiots, again.</li>
<li>The thee best pieces of advice I’ve ever received were from a Christmas song, a Patrick Swayze movie and a Harvey Dent quote.</li>
<li>Ignorance is not a virtue. </li>
<li>We spend all of our time trying to figure out what’s going to be the end of us – and the one suspect we’re not investigating is in the mirror.</li>
<li>All we’ve got in this life and this world is each other. </li>
<li>Unless you’re threatening my money or my physical safety, there’s nothing to fight about… no matter what you’ve said or done.</li>
<li>Drug crime is real crime in the way that thoughts and prayers are real help.</li>
<li>Changing your mind is not “flip flopping” or being “inconsistent” – it’s called learning, and it’s worth trying out. </li>
<li>Old opinions are like old clothes in your closet, if it’s been a while since you’ve tried them on, they’re unlikely to fit you, they’re unlikely to make sense in the current context and it’s mostly just embarrassing that you still have them. </li>
<li>My disappointment with the modern judiciary can be summarized by the fact that we let judges campaign with their photographs.</li>
<li>The problem with the youngest generation’s music, movies and media isn’t that it’s better or worse than ours, it’s how much of it you have to sift through to get to the good stuff. There was a time when thirty television channels seemed like an embarrassment of riches. </li>
<li>Every great story should be retold.</li>
<li>Every person that thinks the U.S. getting rid of California is a good idea lives in a state that I’d gladly get rid of before California. You got that, Mississippi?</li>
<li>We deserved Donald Trump. The question is whether or not we’re going to do anything to deserve better.</li>
<li>There is no greater joy than finding someone that’s your kind of weird.</li>
<li>The great reveal of mid-life is that everyone you thought had it all figured out is just as lost as you were – they just know how to put on a brave face and keep at it. </li>
<li>There are few indicators of a person’s judgment as a reliable as a neck or face tattoo.</li>
<li>The greatest epidemic of our time isn’t opioids, it’s cowardice.</li>
<li>The tragedy of the self-esteem isn’t that we shouldn’t have been teaching every kid they’re special, it’s that we forgot to teach them that everyone else is, too.</li>
<li>The trick to mastering moderation is to only use it on the bad things. No one ever died from being too happy.</li>
<li>If you find yourself telling anyone what to do with their genitals that either (a) didn’t result from yours or (b) doesn’t also involve yours, STOP. </li>
<li>Privacy is the new wealth. If you know someone that’s really wealthy, they’re probably not that wealthy. </li>
<li>People lie about two things: the money they have, and the money they don’t.</li>
<li>Love isn’t the stuff in movies or songs or poems. It’s the stuff between all of that and it’s so much better.</li>
<li>The older you get, the more you should celebrate. This does not apply to birthdays. No one cares that you’re turning 37, Carol.</li>
<li>Of all the endangered species, the one I’m most worried about is: hypocrisy as a bad thing. </li>
<li>There are only two ways you should speak about law and government: as an expert, or not at all. </li>
<li>There is a fine line between body positivity and visual pollution. If you don’t know where it’s at, you’ve probably crossed it. </li>
<li>No matter what, no matter where, no matter why – before you do anything – take a breath, take a minute and take it on.</li>
</ol>
<br />
Well, that’s it kids – ten years of lessons in the books. I had expected to stop at ten, and I might yet – but for now, I’m having too much fun to stop and I think we can all agree, there are a lot of “things” left. See you next June!<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2010/06/36-things.html" target="_blank">36 Things</a></div>
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<a href="http://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2014/06/" target="_blank">40 Things</a></div>
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<a href="https://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2016/02/41-things.html" target="_blank">41 Things</a></div>
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<a href="http://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2016/06/42-things.html" target="_blank">42 Things</a></div>
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<a href="http://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2017/06/43-things.html" target="_blank">43 Things</a></div>
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<a href="http://truthreethings.blogspot.com/2018/06/44-things.html" target="_blank">44 Things</a></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-1590258137256036752018-06-12T20:59:00.003-07:002018-06-12T21:09:01.891-07:0044 Things<div style="text-align: justify;">
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So… nine years ago, the world was a different place, and I was a different man. My career has gone from nascent to mature, and I have long since passed the point where I might be considered “promising” (and even farther past “young”). My classmates and colleagues have gone from marking their lives with marriages and children to marking them extraordinary offices and professional accomplishments. What middle age has taken from my joints, it has delivered back to me ten-fold in maturity, professional competence and wisdom. And so, once again, I mark my annual trip around the sun with a list of lessons learned over the past year. As usual, there is as much gravity as levity, because it is the balance of those two great forces that I have always aspired to – and in my better moments, achieved. By any reasonable measure, I have certainly cleared the halfway point of this run. After all, I have made enough bad decisions to make nine decades more of a wish than something to reasonably prepare for. Nevertheless, the back nine is always more fun than the front, and the ride home is always delightfully (and magically) shorter than the ride out. </div>
<br />
So, with that in mind, sit back and enjoy, <b>forty four lessons I’ve learned</b>:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>The grand omission of our parents was that despite the extraordinary betrayals visited upon us by our bodies, our minds never <i>feel</i> any older.</li>
<li>Average intelligence is <i>way</i> dumber than you think. Reminders available daily at Wal-Mart.</li>
<li>My atheism has taught me the importance of religion to everyone else. It doesn’t make it make any more sense, but it does help me explain mine to the faithful.</li>
<li>My hedonism has been replaced by a carefully tuned analysis of the enjoyment-to-hassle ratio of any prospective event. This <i>always</i> rules out outdoor music festivals.</li>
<li>Once and for all: talking to God is <i>faith</i>. God talking back is <i>mental illness</i>. </li>
<li>Science tell us that you need less sleep as you get older. Who the fuck is science talking to?</li>
<li>The worst part of modern society is that, despite how it looks, <i>no one</i> is kidding.</li>
<li>The best part of being forty or older is that our teenage years are not permanently memorialized in a searchable worldwide database.</li>
<li>Maturity is the moment you contemplate your next car <i>not</i> being faster than your current one – but you <i>do</i> search the word “heated seats” on the dealer’s website. </li>
<li>There is nothing more cowardly than <i>ad hominem</i> attacks anywhere but directly in front of who you’re insulting. </li>
<li>I stopped watching scary movies, because they don’t scare me. That’s what CNN is for. </li>
<li>No matter how much I learn every year, the thought of all the things I’ll die not knowing is profoundly depressing. But it does chase me back to Amazon, every time, to buy a book.</li>
<li>If I had my smartphone in one hand and the balance of my physical possessions in the other, and could only save one… <i>man</i>, I’m gonna miss some of those suits.</li>
<li>Of all the evils I’ve studied, by far the most baffling and terrifying is anti-intellectualism.</li>
<li>Looking back, the vast majority of my professional and academic decisions have been made in the pursuit of avoiding interacting with dumb people – and it’s been a <i>dramatic</i> failure.</li>
<li>The Internet has concurrently invested people with the notion that they can do law and medicine on their own, but that it makes perfect sense for someone to do your grocery shopping for you.</li>
<li>In all candor, I simply do not understand the butt implant thing. Not even a little.</li>
<li>Of all my delights, <i>schadenfreude</i> is the one of which I am most ashamed as well as the one I have the least control over. </li>
<li>My father’s generation got to watch their pants get looser and looser as they got older. At this rate, I’ll be doing squats into my 70s just to wear an up-to-date suit. </li>
<li>If I have to go back to my tailor one more time to “taper” my dress pants, they’ll officially be leggings.</li>
<li>Unless you’re in the military or a professional athlete, your hat looks <i>ridiculous</i>. </li>
<li>Family is vital for life. However, family and consanguinity are <i>wholly</i> different things. </li>
<li>Privacy is the new wealth. </li>
<li>Conspiracy theories are for idiots. Yes, <i>all</i> of them.</li>
<li>Routine and habit are the fast-forward buttons of life. I <i>swear</i> I was 37, like, 2 years ago. </li>
<li>It’s better to move in the wrong direction than not to move at all. This is especially true if you’re in front of me in traffic.</li>
<li>Everyone who claims there is no such thing as an objective truth is trying to sell you a lie. Everyone.</li>
<li>The cost-benefit analysis of fast food consumption can only produce a favorable result if you exclude the gastrointestinal costs. </li>
<li>What corporate America knows about my generation: repackage our favorite childhood things, and we will buy them again. Right, Star Wars, Karate Kid, Top Gun, Transformers, etc.?</li>
<li>Having friends is overrated, having a best friend is underrated.</li>
<li>What millennials are doing to our language is like payback for what our generations did to their planet, government, schools system, etc. … so, fair enough, bae. </li>
<li>There is not a more ironic phrase than “Facebook is for old people.” Go ahead… try. </li>
<li>We are all <i>fantastically</i> more gullible than we think. No, seriously, we are. </li>
<li>No one reads the things they sign themselves. I’ve been a contracts lawyer for 13 years, and I pay someone else to read the ones I’m signing.</li>
<li>Collaboration is the new innovation. No great advancement will ever come from an “individual” again. Forget your solo act. Find a band. </li>
<li>Even after all my education and (attempted) sophistication, I still truly believe the world would be a better place if there more fistfights. </li>
<li>Texas is a great place. However, Texas public schools, and their curriculum is most insidious and terrible thing I’ve ever even heard of – and I watch documentaries for fun. </li>
<li>Our vanities will certainly be the end of us. But, <i>damn</i>, we look good sometimes. </li>
<li>You can keep your fitness <i>forever</i>, but at a certain point, if you lose it – it’s gone for good. <i>Keep moving</i>.</li>
<li>The world’s most valuable skill is <i>sales</i>. Everything else is derivative.</li>
<li>Being famous must really be amazing. Even with all the terrible ways in which celebrities die, no one is deterred. <i>No one.</i></li>
<li>Boy, that Bieber kid really grew into a full-sized asshole, huh?</li>
<li>Selling one’s soul has turned out to be far more common and pay much better (or worse, depending on your superstition) than we expected, right? </li>
<li>A life not shared is a life not lived. Solitude is easy and cowardly. Open your heart, and you never know who will wander in. </li>
</ol>
<br />
See you for 45, kids.Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-36001903248285772212017-06-12T07:21:00.001-07:002017-06-13T19:00:13.792-07:0043 Things<div id="shifty-spritz" style="display: none; top: -9999px;" tabindex="1">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So… 43.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time for the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eighth </i>annual installment of recording the lessons I’ve learned
over the previous year and there were no shortage of “learning experiences” to
draw from – so this should go quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly,
I’m happy to still be learning lessons at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My expectations for middle age cognitive ability have been greatly
exceeded – I guess I was wrong about adults when I was younger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s really the most surprising part of 43 –
my mind doesn’t feel old; like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at all</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few of my tastes have matured, but I still have
lived the majority of my adult life trying to avoid any similarity with a
Dockers commercial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now my body, that’s
a whole ‘nother chicken, as I like to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My essential systems have been have been breaking like Trump news on
CNN: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">constantly </i>and with no good
explanation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But thankfully, I still
know the capital of Djibouti (it’s Djibouti) and I’m still prone to laughing to
keep from crying – so despite the ever-pending disability, here are 43 things I’ve
learned:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Age
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is </i>just a number, but old is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>just a word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>If
I would have known how little the adults in charge of me knew back then, I
would have been a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lot </i>more scared.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
love driving my car, but I hate driving – because people ruin everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except board games.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
used to think I’d outgrow country dancing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nope.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It
took me finally embracing my atheism to understand why religion is so important
to people – and what it gives them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
all of you, atheism gives me the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">same
thing</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>A
good job requires taking on daily challenges; a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great </i>job requires doing it with a team of amazing people.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>In
a world of constant exhibition, candid moments are the most valuable currency.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>You
can reliably measure your age with the amount you’re willing to spend on
concert tickets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Three
reasons to avoid an otherwise great nightclub: All. Ages. Night.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Family
is everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Not
everyone’s family is made of blood relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, still - See #10.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Why
am I such a geek?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Recent technology has
allowed me to neither step foot in a Walmart or ride in a taxicab in the last <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">two years</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>#Winning <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 43: “want kids.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>You
can definitely be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too good</i> at some
things – like taking selfies… or Tinder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>If
you see me in a nightclub on the Strip and I’m not with a client or family,
call security, because I’ve been kidnapped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Dating
gets exponentially weirder the longer you do it.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Intellectual
snobbery is bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ignorance snobbery is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">much, much worse</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Every
man owes himself a custom suit.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>For
the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to be an American.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m finding my way back watching people
respond to the same feeling.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">20.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Back
rubs are getting so important to me, I might start trolling massage schools for
marriage prospects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">21.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It
always pays to be nice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">22.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>We
need a method of resolving disputes somewhere between fist fights and
litigation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it involves slapping.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">23.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Parents
of noisy children shouldn’t be chastised unless their kids are old enough to
understand what “Shut the *&# up” means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">24.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>You
don’t “have style”, you “have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a</i> style”
– if you don’t know the difference, neither applies to you.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">25.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
most important part of sexy is confidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The most important part of love is vulnerability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">26.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It’s
terrible to know something before you want to know it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you can’t un-know things.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">27.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It’s
not that there are world leaders that are younger than I am that makes me feel
old, it’s that I’m happy about it.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">28.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
cost-benefit analysis of very spicy food has finally been finally resolved in
the “don’t do it” position.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">29.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Butt
implants are never ok.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">30.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>There
is no greater accomplishment than to motivate someone.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">31.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Three
foolproof ways to tell how old a woman is: her hands, her neck and her
willingness to order wine <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anywhere</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">32.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>A
high EQ is far more valuable than a high IQ – and we should teach children with
that in mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">33.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
don’t know what the age is where you stop wanting to try new things – but I
know it’s not 43.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">34.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Honorifics
are important and should be used liberally – especially “Coach”, “Doctor” and “Captain”.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">35.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
most important members of your team are the ones who are nothing like you. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">36.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>No
matter how bad it gets, there is no excuse for not caring what goes on in the
world around you.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">37.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>We <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>deserve better representatives in
government.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">38.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Honesty
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>always the best policy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless you’re under oath – then it totally
is.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">39.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
only wrong direction to go in is in no direction at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turning (even around) is easier than
starting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">40.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Take
time to talk to kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pivotal
moments in your young life were likely not nearly as important to the adults involved as
they were to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">41.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>If
you’re on a date, order dessert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life’s too short not to get the
damned cake.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">42.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Fail
constantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing great comes from
staying comfortable and not taking chances. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">43.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>The
only way to guarantee your legacy is to write it yourself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So, that’s another chapter in
mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you all for sticking around;
laughing and crying with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s to a
great 43 and a year of lessons to tell you about next summer.</div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-59937923405770741582016-12-31T16:53:00.002-08:002016-12-31T16:53:09.623-08:00Sixteen Things I Learned in 2016
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/mt/2016/12/2016Fingers/lead_960.jpg?1482334782" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/mt/2016/12/2016Fingers/lead_960.jpg?1482334782" width="320" /></a>By most measures, it’s been a shitbox of a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, I know – that’s popular sentiment and
there were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">plenty </i>of good things that
happened this year, and you’re right – a preponderance of dead celebrities does
not a disaster make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But let’s be
honest, for every good thing you can think of, you can think of a dozen
terrible things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are a country
divided – and there is a pending dread that’s simply hard to shake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s why New Year’s Eve is my favorite
holiday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite the mind-numblingly
intense schmaltz that is New Years in Las Vegas, there is simply no other holiday
which generates greater optimism than the start of the new year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every culture and every place celebrates the
new year – even if not at the same time or even on the same day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We mark our own lives by celestial trips
around the sun and regardless of how arbitrary it may be in the cosmic sense of
things, we take this opportunity to do two very important things: reflect and
hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is in the spirit of those
things that I’d like to avoid simply listing past catastrophes and, rather,
take stock of the sixteen most important things I learned this year:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>A
high EQ is dramatically more valuable than a high IQ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, having too little of either will
usually spell disaster.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>No
one reads enough.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>If
we’re going to universally get rid of shaming, we should first figure out some
way to incentivize people to stop being stupid. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It’s
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>about the relationships.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Fighting,
whether in business, your personal life or in general, is a terrible idea and
almost always solves nothing.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>That
said, there are some people whose only hope for redemption is a good
ass-whuppin’ (and tragically, they are usually highly unlikely to receive it).</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Karma
is bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Evil people keep getting away
with evil and good people keep getting stomped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is no cosmic ledger that’s balancing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make your own "karma."</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>People
care as little about my atheism as I do about their religion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if they’re going to recruit – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">so am I</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Fortune
favors the well-prepared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Forgiveness
is our greatest capacity as humans – and we don’t use it enough.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>It’s
better to be with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no one</i> than the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wrong one</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
can’t decide which two words are more frightening “post truth” or “fake news” –
I think I’ll just go with “President Trump.”</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>There
is absolutely no virtue in a lack of education.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>None.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That said, there is also no
shame in it. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>No
matter what your preferences, the two universally sexy things are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">confidence </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fitness</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything else is
subjective.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Plenty
of things are worth <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">getting </i>angry
over, but precious few of them are worth <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">staying
</i>angry over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three very important
words:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Go.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Life
is tragically short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time is our only
real commodity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What and who you spend
it on is your only real opinion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
keep an eye on the clock tonight… and spend wisely in 2017.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Happy New Year, Everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-51422046646757143572016-06-19T12:02:00.001-07:002016-12-07T17:30:13.218-08:0025 Things; A Note to My 17 Year Old Self.<style>
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<a href="https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/responsive/cover/main/desktop/2016/02/29/635923038153571468-629277909_Screen%20Shot%202016-02-28%20at%207.49.51%20PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/responsive/cover/main/desktop/2016/02/29/635923038153571468-629277909_Screen%20Shot%202016-02-28%20at%207.49.51%20PM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Dear Glenn,</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">My how the years
have gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, as long as a
quarter century seems, seventeen seems like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">much</i>
longer ago than a simple two and a half decades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that time, you went from a geek to well,
good-looking geek, and from an unsure and late-blooming adolescent to a Naval
Academy graduate, submariner, Stanford lawyer and the owner of a great law firm
– oh and you’re also living in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Las Vegas</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But here’s the thing: it wasn’t easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, it was nearly unbearable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You and I both know that despite our hard
candy shell, we can get pretty worked up about stuff – and boy, did we.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I’m not so naïve to think that it all
would have ended up the same had it not been difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, we know that it takes iron to make
steel – but, I’ve also spent a lot of days looking back and wishing we had done
a few things differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Interestingly,
for the past seven years, we’ve been writing down the lessons we’ve learned;
mostly as catharsis (by the way, our vocabulary has gotten <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fantastic</i>), and a little bit of laughing to keep from crying, but
also as a way of communicating, connecting and entertaining the precious few
people you’ve gotten close with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But,
this is a new tradition, a letter <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">looking</b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">25 years back</b>, to you, because as
good as things got, and a few regrets as we have, I’d love for you to know a
few things:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Start
writing earlier. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turns out you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>have something to say, and people are
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really </i>going to love it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Stop
writing poetry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Immediately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s awful, and you’d rather people find a
picture of you naked (at this age) than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any
</i>poems you wrote.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">You’re
an atheist, and you’ve known it (already) for more than five years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s ok, be brave and tell people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting twenty more years to stop “fake
praying” isn’t being kind or considerate, it’s being cowardly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">No
one hates you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one even dislikes you
as much as you think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being popular is
overrated – be awesome, it lasts <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">much </i>longer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Stop
dancing in private (i.e. the basement) – and get to the dance floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re going to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great </i>at it, and just because one kid shoved you at a school dance
doesn’t mean you don’t belong out there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That kid amounted, literally, to nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve won more dance contests and danced
with more pretty girls than you’ll ever be able to count.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">You’ll
forgive almost every bully from Centaurus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Except James Richmond – because fuck that guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">While
we’re at it, go take a swing at James.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He’s not as tough as he seems, and believe me, he won’t be expecting
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Go
back to soccer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll regret not
getting a Varsity letter, even if it took you all four years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Join
the Math Club earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who cares if it’s
lame?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Math is going to save your
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Brush and floss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re going to invest in braces (because Mom
& Dad couldn’t afford them), and it’s going to be great, but root canals
and crown <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">suck</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Stop fighting with your mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, it doesn’t get any better with the two of
you, but it’s not worth fighting over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’re going to skip her funeral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Be nicer to your little sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’ll be the only real family you have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She turns out to be your biggest fan and the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only </i>person you can count on when everything
else goes to hell. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Also, stop creeping on her friends
(you’ve got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no </i>shot) and ask for
advice on what to wear, how to cut your hair and how to dance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s way ahead of you on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>of these.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Ask someone to the prom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, Jennifer Rizzuto isn’t even a
possibility, and you’re not going to go with a cheerleader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, there are plenty of girls who would love
to be your date, and you’ll <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>regret
skipping it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Charles is a better guy than you can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">possibly </i>imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stay closer to him – he’s got more figured
out than you think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Yes, his family is
exactly as awesome as they seem)</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Stop praying to be “average” – we both
know that wouldn’t make you happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep
dreaming big; it all comes around. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Try out for football.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You won’t make the team, and you’ll get
destroyed, but once you get into shape (and trust me, we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i>) you’ll wish you put the pads on, at least once.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Apologize to Katey; you were being an ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stays beautiful (25 years and counting)
and brilliant; and you like her more than you want to admit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask her out, already.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Kiss Hope at Math Day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">20.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Don’t tutor cheerleaders with math
homework – you’re right, they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are </i>using
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">21.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Hug your dad more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turns out he was right about almost
everything, and when he says he’s proud of you, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">he means it</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">22.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">You will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>have better spaghetti than you have at The Blue Parrot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">23.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Don’t run for Student Council.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You get killed, it’s embarrassing and you’ll
have another shot at law school (which you’ll win).</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">24.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Stop looking for a place to “fit in” – we
never find one, and that’s exactly how it should be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">25.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Your life is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tremendous</i>, so stop thinking about ending it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll get close a few more times, but you’ll
always have someone close to you remind you that people love and care for you
and that despite the setbacks, you’re going to do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great </i>things.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">That’s it for
now, young man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s going to be a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">big </i>year, so get back to work – and when
you think about driving Terry to Taco Bell to pick up a quick snack during
lunch, maybe skip that trip.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>42-year-old
Glenn</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">PS – Tell your
dad to invest in Apple stock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-41197598457514597792016-06-18T11:07:00.004-07:002016-06-18T11:08:53.290-07:0042 Things<style>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AZa7h_RfBgE/V2WOETSXXvI/AAAAAAAAbuQ/9_XDkzQwYc4h7g1zTWf8TAWj7rjxrt13ACLcB/s1600/42.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AZa7h_RfBgE/V2WOETSXXvI/AAAAAAAAbuQ/9_XDkzQwYc4h7g1zTWf8TAWj7rjxrt13ACLcB/s320/42.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">So…here, we are,
on the occasion of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">forty-two </i>years of
sunrises, sunsets, summer and smiles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This year’s installment marks <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seven
</i>years of keeping track of lessons learned and remembering to laugh, if for
no other reason than to save from crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Forty-two isn’t a particular sexy number, which seems oddly apropos,
because it’s certainly not a particularly sexy age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get me wrong, I’m aging with all the
style and grace of a Fail Army video, but still, it’s a fight that no one has
ever won – Mother Nature and Father Time are still <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">undefeated</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best you can
hope for is to take the fight into extra innings, and you can rest assured, I
will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely </i>ride this train until
the wheels fall off (and even then, I’ll find a decent orthopedist to sew them
back on).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the meantime, there are
plenty of lessons to be learned, and if these lists are nothing more, they are
a reminder of my lifelong commitment to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">keep
learning</i>, and to remember that no matter how much I do manage to pack into
this mind and body, there will always be a great deal more that I missed than
that I actually got to do, be, understand, experience or know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, with that in mind, and certainly
having exhausted your appetite for self-indulgent introductions, here are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">42 Things That I’ve Learned</b>:</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">There
are more years between now and 65 than there are between 21 and now… And
thinking back to how far I’ve come since 21, I’ve got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">plenty </i>of time left.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The
Venn diagram of things that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">look </i>good
versus things that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are </i>good has a
whole lot less overlap than I used to think.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Everyone’s
online life is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lie</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beauty of real life is just how ugly it
is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Ignorance
is not an immutable trait, which is why we should <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>celebrate it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">If
your argument for anything has the words “Jesus” or “God” in them – you do not
have an argument; you have a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">belief</i>,
which should <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely </i>be kept to
yourself. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">If
wealth and intelligence were complementary traits, college professors wouldn’t
dress like hobos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most money is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dumb money</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I’ve
determined the sexiest part of a woman’s body is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her brain</i>… with a three-way tie for second place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Flattery
is like fashion: it’s best when it’s personal, it costs less than you think and
nothing will make you look better to those around you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The
two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 42 are: “Never married.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The great secret to business is nothing
you’ll learn in Business School or in any school for that matter: it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">relationships</i>, stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">In the social media era, we’ve never said
more, and never meant any of it less.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The success of any minority in obtaining
rights, recognition and equality is not when they march in the streets, but
when they no longer have to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I am wholly unequipped to interact with
partisans in the “post-truth” era.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turns
out I really only have one club in the bag, and if <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">facts</i> and/or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reason </i>can’t
get you to challenge your beliefs, congratulations, you found a way to be
permanently stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Fitness <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>goes out of style. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Your jeans, however, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The older I get, the more that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eagles </i>lyrics make sense.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">There’s very little that I admire more in
a person than their ability to be their true selves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">No matter what people tell you, they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>get over their old crushes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You got that, Katey?</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">It took me over forty years to say it
publicly – but I don’t believe in God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe in people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">20.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">If you ever wonder if you should wear
something, you shouldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially
that hat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">21.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Your faith isn’t ridiculous, but your
religion <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely </i>is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter which one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">22.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">When women say they won’t date an
overweight man, they’re being <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">confident</i>,
when a man says he won’t date an overweight woman, he’s being a body-shaming,
woman-hating troll who should obviously die alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>#Equality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">23.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Speaking of hashtags – that’s how lazy we’ve
gotten, we can’t even be bothered to derive subtext -
#WeNeedSomeoneToDoItForUs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">24.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Motherhood is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>a magic wand – it doesn’t make you a good person, smarter or
confer any special knowledge on you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only</i> evidence of a functioning uterus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is about as special as not being
bald.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">25.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">It’s not about being beautiful – it’s
about owning your ugly beautifully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">26.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">When your childhood heroes start dying,
you start realizing that you were your own hero, all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">27.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Watching my college classmates get command
is a solid reminder that even the least promising twenty-year-olds can turn out
fucking spectacular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe there’s hope
for millennials, after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">28.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">We’ve done a great job of creating
universal shame for bigotry and ignorance – unfortunately, at the same time we
also became completely universally shameless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">29.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Jenny McCarthy is responsible for more
needless childhood deaths than any other person alive today – and not only is
she free, she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">won’t even apologize</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">30.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>seen any woman, of any age, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever</i>, get excited in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any way</i>
by a revved engine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, somehow, every
douchenozzle I come across continues to use this as their primary mating call.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">31.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Only people with insane and unreasonable
opinions even whine about not being “judged” for them – the rest of us are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">happily </i>judged for what we believe in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">32.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">existence
</i>of multiple arguments does <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>make
them equally valid or deserving of “equal time.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">33.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">There has never been a better or more
compelling case for the Electoral College (or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any </i>“republic” function of our democracy) than the 2016 elections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone who trusts public consensus hasn’t
spent much time in “public.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">34.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The American distinction between
marijuana and alcohol represents the single most effective PR campaign in
modern history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">35.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">The older I get, the exponentially less
poorly I feel about going to bed early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">36.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">No matter what else you do, or are or
have done (cure cancer, save orphans, give to charity, etc.), if you’re a bigot
– <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that’s all you are</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">37.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">I can forgive people doing almost any
terrible thing – unless they do it to children, then fuck you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">38.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Life is bad for your body – but that
doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
are you saving up for?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your second go
round?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">39.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Believing in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some </i>of medicine is like in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some
</i>of astronomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, I’m cool with
Mars and Venus – but Mercury is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bullshit</i>
(I read it on the Internet).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">40.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Finishing any level of school should not
be called “graduation” unless there’s a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reasonable
</i>chance you might not have finished it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ya got that, 8<sup>th</sup> graders?! </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">41.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Generosity is giving to people to need it
most and who expect it least.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">42.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">There is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing </i>more important, more difficult or more valuable than simply
showing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Here’s to those
who keep showing up - see you next year, kids. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-13758090683358273682016-06-11T13:59:00.005-07:002016-06-11T13:59:54.215-07:00Goodnight, Revolver
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img0.svcdn.lasvegas.com/v3/cache/lasvegas/212A9A796969759C8C5CA18263BB76A0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img0.svcdn.lasvegas.com/v3/cache/lasvegas/212A9A796969759C8C5CA18263BB76A0.jpg" height="170" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Today,
on June 11, 2016, one day before I ring in my 42<sup>nd</sup> year aboard this
crazy rock, I’ll say goodbye forever to one of the best friends I’ve had in Las
Vegas, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Revolver Dancehall and Saloon</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know what you’re thinking – what kind of pathetic
bastard counts a country bar as one of his best friends?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, if you have to ask, you’ve likely never
lived in Vegas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends here are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hard</i> to come by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a town of relentless hustle, where <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything </i>is for sale and things are
rarely what they appear to be under the neon glow of a Saturday night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in this town where the Strip markets the
same nightclub under two dozen different names, with endless “VIP Hosts”, slender
European DJs with questionable facial hair and an entire ecosystem built just
to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get in </i>to these clubs, the country
bar is as timeless as it is anachronistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Revolver was much more than just a country bar, however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For many of us, we made lifelong friends,
lovers and dance partners there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
laughed, cried, got too drunk and (sometimes) too sober.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We danced through injuries, bad nights and,
God help me, a thousand replays of the Cupid Shuffle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">danced</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Revolver is the
first bar I’ll close since I closed my very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">first
</i>country bar: the Neon Armadillo, in Orlando, and this parting will be just
as much sweet sorrow as that was seventeen years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in the best way I know how to say
goodbye, here are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">three things I’ll
remember about Revolver</b>:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Love
At First Sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">On my first visit to Revolver, having
lived in the city for less than three months, I entered a line dance contest,
jumped on a bar, ripped off my t-shirt and got my “Black Card.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back then, I was the only dancer wearing
sneakers (Chucks) or with a towel in my back pocket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The club was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">packed</i>, and there were biker gang members, cowboys, rednecks and
more short shorts and boots than I had seen in any one place before – everybody
was cheering and having a great time, and I knew I had found a place to call “home.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five years later, the girl I danced with in
the finals of that contest is a go-go dancer at a different country bar, there
have been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">four </i>different versions of
Stoney’s (hopefully, this one sticks) and there are a whole lot more sneakers
and towels in back pockets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, there
have been other dance contests, different DJs and even more crowded nights, but
of all my favorite nights at Revolver, there’s never been anything quite like the
first one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Frienemies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There’s
nothing quite like your “home” country bar – as it creates a “family” of sorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like any family, there are people in it
that you love more than anything, and a few others you’d like to see wander
blindfolded onto the highway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Revolver
gave me some of the best friends I’ve got here, and some of the best people I
know: Franklin, Steph, Kaz, RC, Lara, Kristina, Nicco, Jason, Lauren, Theresa,
Jacquie, Tavis, Jason, D’Awna, Dawn, Eric, Jared, LIZ, Nicole, Liberty, Shana,
Shawna, Tony, Michael, Dayman and so, so many more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t imagine living here without friends
like these.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But like any good hero, I
also needed a nemesis, and I found mine wearing a schmedium shirt, demanding to
be paid by the bar manager for doing the same three ice-skating stunts over
& over and declaring himself the “King of Line Dancing” in Las Vegas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like it or not, that got me to give my very
best on that little dance floor night after night and even in training and
injury rehab – and for that, I’m just as grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and even on the last night, like I’ve
always said, I don’t know who the King is, but I know who it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">isn’t</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dance
Like Everyone’s Watching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are a lot of different kinds of “great”
country bars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are great places to
drink, great places to pick up a date and great places to meet with
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And while Revolver was
certainly all of these things, what is was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">most
</i>was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great place to dance</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The floor was small but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">perfect</i>, easy to get on and off, and small enough to keep people
who don’t know how to dance where they belong – in their seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can see the floor from anyplace in the
club, and the DJ’s?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, in addition to
being some of my best friends, they are some of the best country programmers I’ve
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever </i>heard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We line danced to songs we never thought we’d
hear in a country bar, and only had to suffer through thirty minutes (or so) of
dancing-for-idiots (i.e. “freestyle”) music, each night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We once danced the same dance (Swamp Thing) for
over a half an hour (thanks, Franklin), and had a floor where we were allowed
to throw whatever stunts we wanted, without bouncer warnings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drinks were relentlessly kept off the floor,
and drunks and idiots were always ushered away quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t think of more than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one </i>fight in all five years, and I have
memories of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hundreds </i>of great nights,
where I got home too tired to anything but peel off my sweaty clothes and get
into bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Revolver was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dancer’s </i>bar, and that’s what I’ll miss
most about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">As
author C. Joybell C. said “Ends are not bad things, they just mean that
something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really
end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends
aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last night at Revolver isn’t a bad thing,
though many tears will certainly be shed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And it also isn’t an ending – because in the end, Revolver wasn’t really
a country bar, it was the people who worked there, danced there and spent part
of their lives, there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the joys,
the heartbreaks, the spotlights and the dark corners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was country, it was Las Vegas and it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">way </i>too far north.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was in a casino that most of us will never
walk into again, and I can’t imagine it anywhere else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was small, but it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">huge</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was New Years,
birthdays, Ladies Night and going away parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was loud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was good, and now
it’s gone… but what it will never, ever be, is forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks,
Revolver – it’s been one hell of a ride.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-62782187712320292532016-02-15T21:57:00.001-08:002016-02-15T21:57:05.765-08:0041 Things
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2777/4207629450_b3bf051ef9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2777/4207629450_b3bf051ef9.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">My, what a long,
strange trip it’s been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As marking the
years gone by has turned from a cause for celebration to an occasion for
indifference and, ultimately, to a harbinger of impending doom, finding the
silver lining amidst all the silver hair has become increasingly
difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this </i>annual tradition has become the touchstone of that
ever-more-important optimism, because the trade we make each year,
exponentially more wisdom for marginally less youth, remains a very, very good
one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Growing older always brings the
opportunity to answer the proverbial question of whether one would “go back” if
they could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And while I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">desperately </i>miss my former indestructibility, I have never and would never trade what I’ve learned in for
slightly less painful joints and regular visits to the doctor because I’m too
stubborn and stupid to stop dancing (and exercising) like I’m still 25.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, with this continuing recklessness in
mind, and with a nod to those of you who have stuck around for the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sixth </i>installment of these, here are the
FORTY ONE things I’ve learned so far:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really </i>don’t know what you’ve got until
it’s gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
media has us convinced we’re never attractive enough, but on a positive note,
we’re all probably a lot better looking than we think... except you</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">If
you think <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">keeping </i>friends is harder
when you’re older, try <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">making </i>them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>another train coming; desperation
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> manufactured – and usually
by people who are more afraid than you are. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There’s
a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reason </i>they call it a “vanity
plate” and that’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>a compliment –
it’s one of the seven deadly sins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or if
you’re not religious –it’s fantastically douchey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">If
you’re always the smartest person in the room, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you’re in the wrong room</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Flattery
is easy, inexpensive and the “secret” in every book every written about how to
do better with people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Generational
wealth is the second most destructive force in the world, today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
first? Organized religion (obviously).</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Schools don’t need to get rid of bullies,
they need to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">teach </i>kids how to deal
with them, effectively. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Real life has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real </i>bullies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The most terrifying thing about the
youngest generation growing up to lead is what we’re going to do about having
access to their life-long Facebook feed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fashion trends come and go, but visible
chest hair will always be terrible.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Never have more fun on someone else’s
couches than you have on your own...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>trust me, they’re following the same rule.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anti-intellectualism is the word that
smart people use to describe the pro-stupid lobby – see, we’re better at that,
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">We became post-truth before we even got
close to post-racism... and that’s probably why we never will.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The two least attractive words you can
say to a woman at 41 are: “never married.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The two least attractive words a woman
can say to a 41-year-old man are: “fairy tale.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’ve involuntarily trained my brain to
say the word “DOUCHE” as loud as I can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every
time </i>I hear an engine being revved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>that big of a deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">20.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Only</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> women are allowed to declare that they
will not date overweight members of the opposite sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ignore this advice at your own peril.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">21.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Getting drunk is a universally terrible
idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">22.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">No matter how strongly they insist, if
you want to keep your friends, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do not let
them set you up on a date</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">23.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Internet’s most useful tool is
Facebook’s “Block” button.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">24.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nothing is more expensive than anything
you’re offered for “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">free</i>”.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">25.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">No one <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">needs</i> a gun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">26.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Being friends with an ex is weird.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know it’s weird because you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>have to explain it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing normal always has to be explained.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">27.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Men and women have the same <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">number </i>of emotions, men just have fewer <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">names</i> for theirs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">28.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of life’s greatest lessons is knowing
when to shut up... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">especially</i> when
you’ve got something to say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">29.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The scariest thing I’ve learned as an
adult is how tremendously little that adults know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">30.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">People <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want </i>to trust you, but they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need
</i>to like you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">31.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A teenaged me would never have survived
my adult bad habits... here’s to the late bloomers, and how much longer we’ll
live.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">32.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Skinny arms have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">finally </i>come into style for young men... about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thirty </i>years too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
least I get to skip skinny jeans.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">33.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I finally found the one thing that will
always give away a woman’s age – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what she
says</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What gives away a man’s
age?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">34.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">What’s most important in a person’s
“profile picture” is what’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not in it</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">35.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">I’m not saying it should ever be legal to
hit someone with your car, but if it ever <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was</i>,
I’d definitely be hitting passive-aggressive, slow-walking, judgy-faced
pedestrians <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">first</i>. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">36.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Teenagers are never funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even found one I liked (my niece).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Still </i>not
funny.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">37.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">What a person wears tells you more about
their friends than it does about them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">38.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">We are wasting our shame on fat people
when we have so many stupid people so close by!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At least fat people <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">know</i>
they’re fat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">39.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Conspiracy theories are the most reliable
way to identify people who will make you dumber.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">40.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">What scares me most about aging is not
feeling bad when I’m older, but that I’ll forget how to feel bad at all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">41.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">We only really have two stories,
destruction and survival, up to you which one you tell... and when.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here’s to 42... you wonderful
bastards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-47502251756610597422015-10-09T09:08:00.000-07:002015-10-09T09:08:01.302-07:00A Reckoning Redone
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ANpOEGbhGjA/VhfmCtuDEmI/AAAAAAAAbno/bnvsa4YxZ6E/s1600/1955_Notre-Dame_vs_Navy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ANpOEGbhGjA/VhfmCtuDEmI/AAAAAAAAbno/bnvsa4YxZ6E/s320/1955_Notre-Dame_vs_Navy.jpg" width="237" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">It is said that
the years soften old grudges, and that, inevitably, old wounds heal, and we
make peace with our demons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there
are also those enmities that endure; hates that will not be quelled by the
tides of our lives or the perspective of days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These are loves in their own right – because it is impossible for hate,
on its own, to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are
passionate defenses of beloved things, because we cannot separate the instinct
to protect from the drive to love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
are a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great </i>many reasons to hate
Notre Dame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even without my own
self-imposed limits, I could never hope to list them all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, that’s ground better covered by more
seasoned scribes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I hate Notre Dame
because I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love </i>Navy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make no mistake, this annual battle is as
much a morality play as any you’ll see in the MCU.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Need help figuring out whose wearing the
respective white and black hats?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well,
that’s what you’ve got <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, here we are, on the cusp of the
annual reckoning that is Navy-Notre Dame, and here are <b>three (more) reasons to
hate Notre Dame, because sometimes that thin line between love and hate is
actually the line of scrimmage</b>:</span>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">1.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Respect</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lots
</i>of hubbub this year about “mutual respect” – including <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both </i>teams wearing identical “base layers” and warm-up gear – with
all the subtlety of a train wreck – emblazoned with the words “RESPECT”,
“HONOR” and “TRADITION.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The official
Navy Athletics outlet went so far as to note the “storied history and
brotherhood between our two schools.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2007, a young Notre Dame
undergraduate named Matt Couture was interviewed by ESPN after his team started
the season 0-3, and he noted that the season would be considered "a
success" as long as they "continued the streak against Navy."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, let’s be clear, he didn’t say that the
season would be a success by <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">beating </i>Navy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, it’s a success if we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">continue to prove our domination</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s not respect, folks… that’s supercilious disdain (or at least the
closest thing that a Notre Dame undergrad can muster).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the echoes of once-Presidential
candidate John Kerry noting that you should study hard and “do your homework”
or you’ll end up in the military.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Twenty-three years </i>after I first put on
my uniform, I’ve only ever been made to feel badly for it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">once</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In South Bend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nominal “thank you”s and school-sponsored
tributes aren’t respect, they’re obligatory, and trust me, you can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel </i>it in that stadium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my part, I don’t wear a uniform anymore,
and I’m done giving respect to those who don’t return it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the only respect I’m looking for from
Notre Dame is not scurrying out of the stadium and into the locker room when
we’re singing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blue and Gold </i>again
like you did the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">last time</i>.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Honor</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, comparing the “honor” of Notre Dame
(and it’s athletic department) to Navy’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">honor</i>,
is a bit like comparing the modern Notre Dame teams to those from fifty years
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, where one is legitimate,
and the other is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">complete, undeserving
and overrated bullshit</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On one hand,
you have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">centuries </i>of explicit
dedication to the development of honor in the students of the institution,
including a student-led honor board, guest speakers including military and
national leaders and training at every level to ensure that it is not simply
lip service but actually put the principles of honor into daily practice, and
on the other you have none of that… or what we like to call, Notre Dame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, where <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly </i>is the “honor” on the Notre Dame campus?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have an “Academic Honor Code” – but,
it’s got less teeth than the average great-grandparent, saying you’re “sorry”
goes a long way in avoiding any real penalties, and this “storied” tradition
has been around since… 1989.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
right, Notre Dame’s Honor Code is younger than their last national
championship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/college/ct-notre-dame-honor-code-spt-0930-20140930-story.html">http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/college/ct-notre-dame-honor-code-spt-0930-20140930-story.html</a>)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">only </i>deals with academics. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, Notre Dame’s most recent “star”
quarterback was “given the opportunity to transfer” as a result of academic
violations so egregious that not even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they
</i>could cover it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notre Dame
wouldn’t know honor if it walked up and slapped it with a rake – which, come to
think of it, isn’t such a bad idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">3.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tradition</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s be real about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not saying Notre Dame doesn’t have
tradition, but we’re one of the very few schools that has a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">great </i>deal more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I said back in 2007 (when I predicted the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">first </i>reckoning), Blue & Gold, we
wore them first and we (still) wear them best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’ve been playing football longer than Notre Dame, and we never needed
Notre Dame to save <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our </i>school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The traditions that made us great 100 years
ago, still, in large part, make us great today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We don’t need made up stories about practice squad players or “sidewalk
alumni” to tell our story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our story has
been told on the high seas and battlefields for the last 150 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our last Pro Bowl NFL quarterback graduated
just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fifteen </i>years before Notre
Dame’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Every </i>player on our teams is a leader – in their unit, their
community and their family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notre Dame’s
last great leader graduated when I was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">five
years old</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we have a modern tradition,
it is a tradition of competitiveness without competitive advantage; of being a
scrappy and difficult underdog and of translating heart and hustle into
victories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notre Dame’s modern
tradition?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Delusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Every </i>year,
ESPN trots out the rotting corpse of Lou Holtz to predict a National
Championship (which will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never </i>happen
again), and statistically, Notre Dame is 6<sup>th</sup> most overrated team
since 1989 (<a href="http://preseason.stassen.com/over-under/teams.html">http://preseason.stassen.com/over-under/teams.html</a>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talking about Notre Dame’s “tradition” via
its ROTC units couldn’t be more disingenuous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They’re about as Notre Dame as most of Indiana is Catholic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They, like those few alumni who truly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>respect Navy, are the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exception</i>, not the rule. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s only <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one </i>school that has a tradition comparable to ours, and we play
them every <i>December</i>, not November.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">* * * </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">The years
haven’t softened my resolve to watch Notre Dame driven to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, they have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hardened </i>it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And no matter
how many years or wins later, I expect it to continue to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t love a team like Navy and be
equivocal about Notre Dame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We aren’t
brothers-in-arms, or brothers at all – we are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">polar opposites</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Navy is
good, Notre Dame is evil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just that
simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, you’ll hear Jimmy Roberts
slurping the Irish like a fan boy blogger (which he, essentially, is), and
telling anecdotes about a player or two who had a hard upbringing, so that we’ll
forget about the whitewashed and moneyed bigotry which festers just under the façade
of “Touchdown Jesus” – but he’s not fooling anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This weekend, I channel my inner John Kreese,
because I don’t want them beaten, I want them <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">out of the tournament</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
got a problem with that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, go sweep the leg, Navy. </span></div>
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Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-84085498396357260192014-10-31T13:33:00.002-07:002014-10-31T13:33:27.821-07:003 Halloween Hates<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VKHFvQELF6E/VFPx8Fi86uI/AAAAAAAAbGE/SsgR1DLlGIo/s1600/heenno.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VKHFvQELF6E/VFPx8Fi86uI/AAAAAAAAbGE/SsgR1DLlGIo/s1600/heenno.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">As this era of
change and tolerance sweeps the nation, there are a great many things that I
have finally determined are acceptable to disclose about my personal beliefs. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">The majority of these liberating revelations
have been kept secret owing to my fear of reprisal and reproach – positions
unpopular enough to warrant significant negative responses – and, so I kept
quiet.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">But through my own personal
maturation and these more liberal times, I am finally read to reveal the world:
</span><b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">I hate Halloween</b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">That’s right, you heard correctly – this most
jovial of holidays, this celebration of costumed shenanigannery, this ode to
horror and all things dark – is an occasion for me to go to bed early, turn off
my phone and wait for November 1. There is no worse holiday to hate than
Halloween. After all, if you hate Christmas, you’re a grinch, or a Scrooge –
each quite lovable in their own way.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">But
hate Halloween?</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">Well then you an enemy
of children and candy and happiness – good luck surviving </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">that </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">PR hit.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">But those are
times now past and I can finally spend October 31</span><sup style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">st</sup><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> dressed in grown
up clothes and not making any regrettable drinking devisions.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">And with my newfound freedom, I’m please to
share with you </span><b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">three reasons I hate
Halloween</b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">1. S<b>ave
the Women and Children</b>. I’m just
going to come right out and say this – Halloween is a holiday <i>primarily </i>for women and children. I’m not saying it’s <i>always </i>been that way – so please don’t send me the Wikipedia entry
for Halloween (I’ve already read it) – but <i>today’s</i>
version is decidedly immature and feminine.
I <i>also </i>realize this view is
gender-normative, which I’m not trying to provide as an exclusive worldview,
just my own. But disclaimers
notwithstanding, there seems precious few ways (if any) to maintain a measure
of dignity and self-respect as a grown man during this most jovial of
holidays. First, the <i>entire </i>exercise is basically one big
drunken game of dress up. This alone
might be enough – after all, I was never too keen on costumes, and as the years
went on, the enthusiasm for the event seemed mostly generated by the <i>women </i>I knew (save for the men I knew
that wanted to see those women dressed up).
But the fact that everyone seems keen to get themselves just a shade
past New-Years-Eve-Drunk <i>combined </i>with
wearing silly costumes makes it the sort of thing that I’m comfortable skipping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2. <b>Vegas-Goggles.</b>
Living in Las Vegas gives one a very unique perspective on holidays. Being the party capital of the world has a
way of taking the “family” right out of most traditional “family”
celebrations. It also has a way of
making <i>some </i>holiday seems
extraordinarily anti-climactic. It is
nearly universally understood that American version of this is a national
excuse to dress up in <i>only </i>your
underwear and dance around with strangers.
But what the rest of the country calls “Halloween”, we call the
“weekend” – or for that matter, Monday through Thursday, as well. In fact, if there is a center of the dressing
inappropriately and acting absent any regular inhibition, I’m living in
it. We don’t <i>need </i>an annual excuse for this sort of thing, we <i>are </i>the national excuse for this sort of
thing. The majority of women who visit
Las Vegas have a section of their closet that they devote to clothes that they
would only wear (a) on Halloween or (b) <i>in
Las Vegas</i>. As a result, the <i>only </i>reason I used to have to go out on
Halloween (to ladies’ least appropriate outfit, thinly veiled as a “costume”)
has now been replaced by… well, every Tuesday night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">3. <b>The
“New” Scary</b>. I can remember a time
when the Thriller video gave me nightmares, and staying up <i>way </i>too late because I was <i>certain
</i>that Freddy Krueger was going to kill me in my dreams. I have always had an affinity for the horror
genre – as it is one of the few truly emotionally evocative mediums left – but,
the modern day horror movie is about as scary as a Jem and Holograms episode
(which, looking back at it now, is a little scarier than it should be). Most of what used to be <i>truly </i>scary has been replaced by over-the-top hyper-violence or
just straight camp. And the “new scary”
doesn’t need darkness, the supernatural or even the macabre for effect – all
you really need is the evening news. We
have become so intimately acquainted with fear these days that we’re almost
numb to it. It’s not a stretch to say
that <i>everyone </i>is trying to scare us –
<i>especially </i>this time of year… when
we’re <i>electing </i>people to lead
us. Politicians are trying to scare us
into not voting for the other guy (or not voting at all). The news is trying to scare us into staying
home – and watching more news. Retailers
are trying to scare us into buying things we don’t need and most of us are
trying to scare <i>each other </i>into doing
things we don’t want to do through the eponymous “fear or missing out” or “FOMO”. I don’t need a holiday to remind me to be
scared – I need a holiday <i>from </i>being
scared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">* * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Look, I’m not
trying to diminish anyone else’s enjoyment of this popular holiday. After all,
I’m enjoying the day off via Nevada Day, which I’m fairly certain was put into
place to accommodate the nearly ubiquitous hangover which this city endures
this time of year, and I’m (obviously) putting it to good use. But, for anyone who’s hoping to “FOMO” me
into participating – I know <i>exactly </i>what
I’m missing, and <i>that’s why I’m missing
it</i>. I don’t need an excuse to act
silly, I definitely don’t need to go far to see pretty girls dancing around in
their underpants and I am, damn sure, not going to dress up in an “adult
costume” just so that the pictures of it can end up as part of the permanent
lexicon which constitutes the results of the “Google me” exercise. As my regular readers can attest to, there is
more than enough embarrassing content attached to my name, already. So, you all have fun tonight. Wear your costumes, drink too much and find a
safe way home. I’ll have the light off
early, my regular clothes on, and will finish the night with exactly the same
amount of candy in my place that I started with. Boo, Humbug.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-24568296160945550252014-10-26T11:25:00.002-07:002014-10-26T11:25:19.191-07:003 Aging Body Betrayals<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wiUDiEYf950/VE08bne1SiI/AAAAAAAAbFs/3MnUMEe_hjU/s1600/blue%2Bred%2Bold%2Bsuperman%2Bmen%2Badvertisement%2Bartwork%2B1178x1192%2Bwallpaper_wallpaperswa.com_7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wiUDiEYf950/VE08bne1SiI/AAAAAAAAbFs/3MnUMEe_hjU/s1600/blue%2Bred%2Bold%2Bsuperman%2Bmen%2Badvertisement%2Bartwork%2B1178x1192%2Bwallpaper_wallpaperswa.com_7.jpg" height="320" width="316" /></a></div>
The great tragedy of aging is the subtlety of the betrayals Despite the portrayal, in pop culture, of age milestones as instances of sea changes in your body and mind, the reality is <i>far</i> more subversive and slow-moving. Like any effective betrayal, you simply don’t see it coming. The person in the mirror always looks familiar – until they don’t anymore. To make matters worse, your mind is a stubborn and reminiscent bastard. After all, identity is far more about who were <i>were</i> than who we’re <i>going to be</i>. And you’re always the last person to realize that you’ve changed. I expect that at some point in this long and winding road, my mind will give way to some measure of dementia and reduced cognitive capacity – but until that time, the only part of me that’s really fading is my body, and it’s almost worse than if the whole of me was disintegrating. Because <i>now</i> my mind and body are in constant conflict. Despite being in the best position to be aware and apprised of each and every physical limitation I have – my mind seems determined to imagine my physical capabilities as they were in my days of wine and cheese – when I was, at least in small measure, a superhero (or so I would have appeared to my adolescent self). So, as a reminder to myself (because I appear to need it), here are 3 ways in which my body is betraying my mind:</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
1. <b>Turn and Cough</b>. The vast majority of physical limitations that I’ve experienced have been, at some point, recited to me by comedians, sitcoms or other columnists – but there is one that has come without any warning: the extended battle now involved in coughing. You see, coughing has always been somewhat innocuous to me – I swallow something wrong, drink something too fast or even just a random mix-up between my lungs and my gut – a few coughs later, all is well. But, nowadays, what starts as a small little hiccup becomes a full-blown emphysemic fit that is measured in quarters of hours instead of seconds. Strangers begin by offering water and end up dialing 911 without pressing “Send” – just in case you don’t pull out of it. Worst of all, you literally have to stop whatever you’re doing and deal with your body seizing up your breathing mechanism – and by “deal with” I mean endure it helplessly and try to avoid eye contact with strangers. I have fairly good cardio-vascular health, running 2 miles a day around 4 days a week, but nevertheless, I appear to have the esophageal health of an eighty-year-old man. I’m scared to think what coughing will look like when I’m 60.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
2. <b>The Morning After Pills</b>. There was a time when I was convinced that a good night’s sleep could cure almost any ailment. And I was convinced of this because it was true. I would go to bed with injuries, illnesses or just feeling a bit off and wake up like I was Clark Kent watching a Metropolis sunrise. These days I have a strong suspicion that not only am I sleepwalking, but that I’m sleeping into the local Fight Club (please forgive my violation of Rules 1 & 2 if this is the case). This is only slightly more plausible than my original theory that someone was sneaking into my bedroom at night and kicking my ass while I sleep. Why all this pugilistic paranoia? Well, I’ve started waking up to a Russian Roulette of sports injuries that simply don’t have any other explanation – and I’ve now got a bottle of anti-inflammatory that I can rightfully consider a fifth food group. I remember watching television commercials for these types of over-the-counter medications, and wondering why anyone would need to take them every day. Now I just wonder why they haven’t figured out a way to get them into my my morning coffee (can you hear me, Starbucks?).</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
3.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><b>Sweet Little Lies</b>. I’ve always felt that an essential element of anything you can rightfully call a “lie” is intent. After all, if you didn’t mean to misinform someone, at worst you’re reckless and the real explanation is likely far less sinister. As a result, I don’t like to think of they way my mind talks to my body as “lying” – just very well-intentioned misstating. You see, my body is <i>keenly</i> aware of its current limitations – and as a testament to the wonder of this biological machine, keeps finding brilliant ways to work around them. My mind, on the other hand, had no idea that my body has changed from say around the turn of the century (no, smartasses, the 21st century). If I have it in my mind to run or jump, my mind sends the exact same signals to my muscles that it did fifteen years ago – expecting similar results. Needless to say, while I am very much still capable of running and jumping, I now understand why recreational sports leagues have “age groups” and exactly why pro athletes in their 40s are rare and wondrous beings. That said, I’m happy to weather a little disappointment if it means not “acting my age” – because I’d rather be carried off the proverbial field for the last time than to slowly skulk into the crowd. </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * *</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the years to come, I suspect that my legs will slow, my arms will shrink and my joints will begin to have more in common with an old house than a powerful engine, but that’s completely ok with me. Like an old home, my bumps and bruises tell a story than I’m nearly incapable of telling myself, even with my most well-considered prose. It tells of my triumphs and my defeats, my good decisions and my bad ones. It is a story of self-destruction, but in the most beautiful and meaningful ways. Just like the old saw told to encourage people not just to save for savings sake, you similarly don’t get to take your body with you when you “go” and you should similarly endeavor to use it in the best possible ways. My youth may be gone, but it surely isn’t the past. My body tells a story – one where I didn’t take shortcuts and how I did the very best with what I was given – stories of which I am immensely proud. It tells of chances taken and failures endured. But most importantly, it tells the most important story about me – that then, as now, I’m far too stubborn to listen to my body tell my mind what we can’t do – and that had made all the difference. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-39982288383968091032014-09-29T12:30:00.000-07:002014-09-30T17:37:34.114-07:003 Political Party Parting Shots<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media.salon.com/2009/06/wingnut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.salon.com/2009/06/wingnut.jpg" height="258" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
In 1992, I turned 18 in Lafayette, Colorado.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had just graduated from Centaurus High
School with the one of the most impressive groups of people I have ever been
associated with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And one of the first
things I did?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a lottery ticket, not
Selective Service registration and certainly no cigarette buying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No – I registered to vote; as a
Republican.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since then, I’ve registered
in many different cities and states, but always with the same party – the Grand
Ol’ Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, after 22 years, I’m
finally ready to re-pick sides – by not picking a side at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The typical American <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">starts </i>as a liberal Democrat and ages into being a conservative
Republican.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, aren’t we all
supposed to be more tolerant in our youth than our old age?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But after being raised in a “red state”
family, and then leaving for the military, college and then law school – I’ve
ended up taking the opposite route.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
it turns out the grass isn’t any greener on the other side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, it’s exactly the same shade of
bulls&%t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, in deference to my
very first trip to the voting booth <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">without</i>
an easy way to pick all the winners, here are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3 reasons I’m leaving the Republican Party … and not joining another
one:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Haters Gonna Hate</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing Republicans <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">used </i>to hate was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">taxes</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did </i>seem unfair that money was being
taken out of my check, in addition to the sales tax I was paying – and I didn’t
appear to be getting much bang for my buck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, the government hadn’t stepped up to help me go the colleges I
wanted to, and I had the same affection for the police as your average member
of NWA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But while the GOP <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still </i>hates taxes – the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">new </i>GOP hate goes much farther and
wider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be a “real” Republican these
days you have to hate (in no particular order): African Americans, Latino
Americans, immigrants, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anyone </i>in the
LGBT community, scientists, atheists, Muslims, college graduates, climate
change advocates, Democrats, gun violence activists, Planned Parenthood,
unmarried adults without children and essentially anyone who isn’t a member of
a traditional, white, nuclear, Christian family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all
</i>about some hate – especially when it comes to sports, but this much hate is
like a part-time job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not even sure
how to keep track of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who </i>to hate, let
alone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe that’s why the modern day GOP doesn’t
bother with, you know, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reasons </i>to
hate all these people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Call me
old-fashioned, but if I’m going to hate someone – I’m going to need a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reason</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Besides, when you’re letting hillbillies and rednecks decide what
“normal” is – it’s only a matter of time until you don’t make the cut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tyranny of the Ignorant</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Republican archetype I grew up with was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Alex P. Keaton</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family watched <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Ties</i> like it was the news – and I saw myself in Michael J.
Fox’s suit-wearing, briefcase-carrying overachieving outcast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was short on cool and long on disdain for
his parents and sisters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a
flag-waving Reagan apologist and was identified by his intelligence and
education.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He confirmed my belief that
we should be led by the smartest and best-informed among us – and he made being
a young Republican an obvious and easy choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But since then, the GOP has become the party of celebrated ignorance and
fear of information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather than advocating
higher education and academic excellence, the current GOP holds that all the
important things you need to know you either (a) know already or (b) can find
in the Bible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the political
party that has given us the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Creation Museum </i></b>(and in case you
haven’t lost all hope for humanity, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">please
</i>go check that out).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Republicans
don’t just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dislike </i>the educated, they
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">distrust </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fear </i>them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is widely
believed that a college education includes some sort of shadow liberal
indoctrination – despite the fact that most college students spend their free
time trying to chemically alter their minds and/or see each other naked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reality
</i>is that getting educated means <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rejecting
</i>most of the modern conservative platform – and if I were them, I’d be
afraid of that, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
3. <b>Oh, My God</b>. The <i>only
</i>redeeming quality of the millennial generation to date has been their
widespread rejection of traditional religious doctrines – many <i>before </i>they get to college. The ubiquitous nature of modern information
has made indoctrination into mysticism exponentially more difficult – and the
original <i>purpose </i>of religion, to
explain the inexplicable – has become increasingly less necessary in a world
with Wikipedia. Connectivity has made
our culture <i>global</i>, and hating,
mistrusting or dehumanizing those who simply <i>believe </i>differently (the central tenet of most religions – no
matter what they tell you) makes a lot less sense when you can see beyond the
city limits of your hometown. I have
believed in the wisdom of the separation of church and state since the <i>first time I heard it</i> – and I believe in
it a little more each day. I’m not a
Christian. I’m not even religious. In fact, I’m an atheist, and it’s been made
clear to me that “my kind” is unwelcome in modern GOP ideology. Seemingly overnight, the Republican party
became a euphemism for the Christian Party – and we are force fed inaccurate
truisms like “the United States is a Christian nation” (no it’s not) and “the
Founding Fathers were Christians” (no they weren’t). The best reason to leave is the biggest
change the party made – because as history has demonstrated over and over
again, those who use divinity to derive influence are those destined to do the
most evil – and I’ve got enough evil to deal with (that’s for you <i>all my ex-girlfriends –</i> I told you I’d
get you into one of these).] </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
* * *<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Before the DNC starts celebrating another GOP refugee
joining their ranks, please know that I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not
</i>“switching sides.” The DNC is just
as broken, lost and dysfunctional as the GOP.
The only difference between them is that one hasn’t betrayed me. But my true disappointment lies in not being
able to find a political party <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at all</i>. We have chased the thinkers out to islands, gated communities and otherwise polite exile. We have reduced ourselves, at every turn, to
the least common denominator – accommodating even the most unreasonable and
misguided amongst us, because each vote only counts as one – no matter how much
or how little that person knows or cares.
It makes sense, after all - it’s far simpler (and less expensive) to influence the
stupid than people who will actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">think
</i>about what you’re saying. But for
me, I’d rather <i>be</i> a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thinker </i>than
anything else. And since that label is
apparently incompatible with either of the popular affiliation options, I’m
going to sit that decision out. Because, democracy notwithstanding, politics and parties only <i>really</i> work if you don't invite <i>everyone</i>. <o:p></o:p></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-6382493255082711662014-09-22T00:59:00.001-07:002014-09-22T01:12:07.171-07:003 Things Your Lawyer Wants To Tell You... But Won’t<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://legalmarketingmaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/frustrated-lawyer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://legalmarketingmaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/frustrated-lawyer.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">Working at a law firm which serves a
large number of middle-to-low-income families is, at once, both tremendously
fulfilling and profoundly frustrating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On the one hand, you get to help people who simply couldn’t get legal
help otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other hand, you
work with people who have little to no <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real
</i>understanding of the law, and sometimes it’s harder work to simply <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">explain </i>what you’re doing than to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actually do it</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Add to this the fact that the overwhelming
majority of these individuals have had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some
</i>exposure to the law – but most of it through romanticized or caricatured
versions for television, colloquial anecdotes from family and friends, or,
heaven help me, the Internet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Top it all
off with the uncomfortable circumstance of being in a customer service
situation with someone who has been irrevocably infused with that most of
American of maxims: “The customer is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always
</i>right.” (NOTE – this is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely </i>false).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lawyers are nothing if not careless with
their criticisms, and just because they haven’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">said </i>anything pointed to you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">doesn’t
mean they don’t want to</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, in
deference to my sisters and brothers in arms, fighting the good fight with a
well-bitten tongue, here are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3 things
your lawyer <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really </i>wants to say to
you (but won’t):<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">1. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Leave
it to Me</b>. No matter what you think
you know about the law, please shut up and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">listen
</i>to your lawyer. Coming in to hire me
and then telling me how you think it should be done is like going to your
doctor and giving him the diagnosis you got from WebMD – or even worse, from
one of your friends who had (what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they </i>think
is) a similar disease. Just like
doctors, lawyers have been to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a lot </i>of
school – and since then, they’ve been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">practicing
</i>and learning <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">even more </i>law. Lawyers have a great number of reasons to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right </i>when they give you advice, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>including just bare professionalism (e.g.
malpractice insurance premiums, avoiding ethical complaints and personal pride)
and treating their advice as suspect ignores all of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">existing </i>procedures in place for licensing attorneys in lieu of
your own marginally reliable “gut instinct.”
The only thing you should be using what legal knowledge you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>have for is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">listening carefully</i>. The law you see on television and in movies is <i>just </i>as useful as the medicine you see with it. No one is looking to Grey's Anatomy for a diagnosis - so stop looking to Law & Order for pointers to give us. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">It’s
not that you don’t know what you’re talking about… nope; no, wait, that’s </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">exactly </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">what it is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You Are NOT Paying Too Much</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After having now worked at both ends of the
pricing spectrum for legal services, I can confidently tell you this: no matter
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what </i>you charge for legal
representation, people will think it’s too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because we all want to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">believe </i>that if we, or our kids, study to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">become </i>lawyers, that it will make us fantastically wealthy – after
all, this is why we accept the insane cost and inflation of law school
tuition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But once we go to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hire </i>a lawyer, we’re suddenly looking
for discounts – as though “Lawyer” was just another aisle in our favorite “big
box” retailer rather than a centuries-old institution, as old as the law,
itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lawyers, like doctors, give
themselves to a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">life </i>of service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just because they (the ones on TV and/or the
real ones) make it look easy <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">doesn’t </i>mean
you could do it if you just had a little time to study up and practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I once thought this about field goal kicking
– and despite being a pretty solid athlete, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">holy
crap </i>was I wrong about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
take our word for it, go try it out on your own – that way when you finally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>come in for help, we know it won’t be
to ask us just to hold the ball for <i>you </i>to kick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">No We Don’t Want To Help For Free</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know what they say, once you’ve got a
lawyer in the family, the whole family’s got a lawyer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless they don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have </i>a family, every lawyer you know gets hit up by their family
members (no matter how far removed) for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">free
</i>legal advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, don’t get me
wrong, when my dad or my sister (both of whom are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">responsible </i>for me getting this far, in the first place) needs
help, I’m happy to answer the bell – but it’s never <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just </i>those folks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pretty
soon, anyone connected enough to make it into your Facebook or LinkedIn roster
feels confident enough to sly some advice out of you in the guise of a casual
chat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worst of all, no one seems to
realize that “lawyer” is no more accurate a job title than “doctor” – because
like the medical profession, we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">specialize</i>,
and just because the Bar Exam covers <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>of
the law doesn’t mean <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">we do</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, when we say that we don’t know, it’s not
because we don’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want </i>to help you,
it’s because we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can’t</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when we refer you to someone else, we’re
not just handing you off to avoid the work – we’re sending you to someone more
qualified that we are to do it (if we can do it at all).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And finally, because we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will </i>always take a few moments to see if we can quickly help – when
you to get to that point where you’re wondering if you should really be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">paying </i>for the help you’re getting – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yes, you should</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do us <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both
</i>a favor and offer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">Becoming a lawyer was a
grand and important moment in my life. I
had never held a position of public trust like it before, and I will likely hold
no greater office in the future. Sure,
being a uniformed service member always afforded me a great measure of <i>respect </i>from others (for which I am
humbled and grateful), but we weren’t <i>trusted</i>
with anything more than the collective safety of the nation – which was <i>important</i> but <i>distant</i>.
We were never the <i>only </i>person standing
between you and your enemy - you were as far off to us as the enemy was to you. Lawyers, on
the other hand, are <i>trusted </i>– with
secrets, with problems, with <i>unimaginable
</i>injustices and <i>impossible </i>situations to help with. We are only strangers to those
who aren’t yet clients – and the line between them is as thin as simply asking for
our help. Lawyer jokes are as ignorantly
anachronistic as corporal punishment for children, opposition to gay marriage
and criminalizing marijuana use – and should be similarly eliminated from
our public consciousness. But nevertheless,
even if the tired old commentaries don’t stop, we’ll still stand quietly by and
wait – for that moment when you realize you <i>need
</i>us, and the only judgment we’ll offer is the one you’re looking for from
the court.</span><!--EndFragment-->
</div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-81054990536298671142014-09-14T13:50:00.002-07:002014-09-25T16:08:15.559-07:003 Reluctant Resignations<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://nabeeloo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/going-for-the-wrong-reason.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://nabeeloo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/going-for-the-wrong-reason.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">One of my favorite, all time, quotes is
“Discretion is the better part of valor.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">It elegantly holds that time-honored warrior wisdom that sometimes the
best decision to make in a fight is not to fight at all.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">Ideally, this is a decision you make before
fighting at all, but there are times when you don’t realize impossible odds
until you’ve already punched your knuckles bloody.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">And so it goes for your intrepid columnist,
taking on the good fight against all things absurd, ignorant or downright
ridiculous, but on a few rare occasions ending up on the proverbial “wrong side
of history” – coming to realize that sometimes you must resign yourself to the
reality that, thought you’ve fought the good fight, it’s time to recognize that
rather than die a hero, you’ve lived long enough to see yourself become the
villain.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">So as penance for my unwitting
villainy, here are </span><b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">3 fights I’m ready to
declare that I’ve lost</b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; text-align: justify;">:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Getting the Skinny</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On dozens of occasions over the past few
years, I have ranted and raved against what I then considered to be the most
absurd abuse of denim since the “jeans jacket”, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">skinny jean</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Much like the
A-line dress, not only had I never seen these ill-fitting leggings look good on
anyone, I couldn’t even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">imagine </i>that
they could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But… I was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It turns out that I, like the song laments,
was looking to love these tightest of pants in all the wrong places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because, I wasn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">completely </i>wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
still completely unacceptable for anyone with a Y-chromosome (who hasn’t been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in </i>the X Games) to wear them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also, like all <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other </i>skintight clothing, unacceptable for anyone with a BMI north
of 25 to even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">attempt </i>them (unless
you’re going to videotape it and put it on YouTube).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And finally, and this is the one that
confused me, skinny jeans don’t look good on skinny girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, I know… the irony isn’t lost on me,
either, but it turns out that the only people they look good on are the ones
who look <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">even better </i>with nothing on,
at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s right – it turns out
skinny jeans are made for fit girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s right, the ones with thighs you can crack walnuts with, calves
that still look good in flats and the kind of butt that makes you forget your
better judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After recently seeing
my very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">first </i>flattering pair, I began to see them <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everywhere</i>
– once I knew where to look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stand,
skinnily, corrected.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Simply the Text</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have often lamented the decline of
communication skills and the part that technology has played in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have lost the essay, the letter and the
note to the text, the Tweet and the Instagram.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In this, I opined, we were losing the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">soul </i>of our messages – but I was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SMS messaging (commonly referred to as “text
messaging”) has become as ubiquitous as talking, itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It crosses nearly all demographic boundaries
and is the common language of our post-modern selves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is nearly as fast as simply conversing,
but with the precision of written correspondence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is more available than phone calls, and
more accommodating than most considered forms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It can be long, short, careful or clumsy – but it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is </i>who we are, and it is capable of as much soul as the lengthy
personal letters of days gone by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also,
my dad does it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like any new form of
communication, it’s taken us some time to master it – but it is the perfect
modality for our modern selves to share ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We needn’t alter our hyper-efficient lives to participate; these
conversations wait for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">us</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They flow <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with
</i>our day, not in spite of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
demand our efficiency and a brevity of wit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They come complete with photos, emotional talismans and a built-in
blooper reel device (the eponymous “autocorrect”) which makes sure we never
take it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too </i>seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time to admit that texting isn’t just
something we do, it’s something we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">3. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">And
To the Republican.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>I’ve been
registered to vote for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">twenty-two years</i>
now, and for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all </i>of that time I have
been a registered member of the Grand Ol’ Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grew up in a time when Ronald Reagan was a
political <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hero</i> – beyond reproach, and
the living embodiment of who we believed ourselves to be as a nation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In those “feel good” times, it was hard to
imagine why the Democrats were always decrying social injustices and persistent,
institutional inequalities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all,
everything was so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in the intervening twenty or so years,
something has happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either I’ve
changed, or the party has changed – or perhaps a bit of both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was more Alex P. Keaton than Duck Dynasty;
more<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>Edward R. Murrow than Reverend
Pat Robertson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I joined the party as a
path to financial independence, not as a measure of love for a romanticized
past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no doubt that I’ve become
infinitely more tolerant as I’ve grown, become educated and matured – but I’m
not sure even the 18-year-old me would have joined today’s GOP.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Celebrations of ignorance, violent
intolerance and a culture of paranoia mark the part today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lower taxes, deregulation of industry and
small government are ancillary elements of a platform dominated by
anachronistic views.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But perhaps the
most important reason I’m abandoning my party affiliation is that while the
party’s symbol has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>been a
cross, ours looked like this: +. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">* * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">When I first started to write
for public consumption, I wanted everyone to agree, at some level, with what I
had written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, I was trying to
logically build arguments, even if it was attempted in the most humorous ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Public criticisms were privately excruciating
and I would often lash out petulantly in comment forums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I got an important piece of advice from
another writer which changed everything: “The purpose of writing is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>to convince people you’re right, but
only to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get them to think</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even more important than the ability to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">persuade </i>people was the ability to get
them to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">use their minds</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the power I suddenly held, and it
freed me to write in exactly the way I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because that way, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I could </i>be
wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could change my mind, do a
complete 180, and still be every bit as legitimate as when I had started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">writing
</i>is immortality – a way of capturing your humanity, and all of its faults,
brilliance and other terrible bits to share with others, those you know and
those you don’t, now and infinitely into the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, sometimes I’m wrong, but I’ll <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always write</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-80452228409720462042014-09-09T22:45:00.005-07:002014-09-09T22:45:29.264-07:003 Fall Fashion AYFS <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--NmMuRKfgv0/VA_lQrXBxDI/AAAAAAAAbEI/NssRQ4B8kcE/s1600/what-the-hell-are-you-wearing.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--NmMuRKfgv0/VA_lQrXBxDI/AAAAAAAAbEI/NssRQ4B8kcE/s1600/what-the-hell-are-you-wearing.png" height="320" width="274" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I know what you’re thinking, that’s a typo. No, it’s not.
So your next question is “What the hell is a AYFS?” And to that, good sirs, I would answer: it is
the next standard for Twitter-friendly, SMS-friendly fashion mockery – the <i>Are You F&#@g Serious</i>. The AYFS represents the kind of wardrobe and
grooming choices that make a grown man or woman wonder whether what you’re
wearing is a joke or not. It really is a
testament to our increased tolerance – as we have come to embrace our differences
– that it takes something <i>as bad as these</i>
to actually get our attention these days.
But just as hope springs eternal that we will grow our tolerance and
love for our fellow man, pragmatism arrives shortly thereafter to advise that
no matter how far we go, there will always be people stupid, shameless and
utterly non-self aware enough to still be ridiculous. In tribute to indomitable strength of the
human spirit <i>no matter how misguided it
may be</i>, here are my top 3 Fall Fashion AYFS:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
1. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Out Claws.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not too long ago, I was lamenting the latest
trend in ladies fingernails, the “oval” – which I opined, back then, looked a
little like “claws” and not necessarily the most demure accessory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, rather than turn back, it looks like
the latest generation of fashionistas is trending the ladies’ nail look from
“oval” to “outright <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">talon.</i>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously, I’ve started seeing nails that
look like they are part of a horror movie or a Halloween costume – on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">professional secretaries</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d be more comfortable shaking hands with a
chainsaw than one these clawed paws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
matter where than hand is, you’re just a flick of the wrist away from multiple
lacerations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">imagine </i>what is attractive about
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, we openly mock women
who have had so much plastic surgery that they look <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feline</i>, and yet we’re eagerly transitioning into sharpened claws as
couture accessory?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, ladies, if you
want to feel a weapon in your hand, blunt your nails and grab a gun – or at
least some mace – and leave the claws to the animals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
2. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pegged Jeans</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I know how my parents must have felt when
they started seeing kids wearing bell-bottom jeans – a forgotten relic of their
ill-considered fashion past suddenly reappearing like a living, breathing
reminder of their poor adolescent choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The reappearance of “pegged” jeans is the least welcome comeback since
the Color Me Badd Reunion Tour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
slavish devotion with which we had to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ensure
</i>our jeans stayed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tightly </i>rolled
against our ankles seemed like a bad idea <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">while
we were doing it</i> – hindsight renders it completely absurd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, we failed to warn this generation in
any appreciable way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, we showed
them pictures, but we only talked about the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hair</i>
and the colors and the shoes … the pants just seemed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">obvious</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, we
are left with the irony of the very worst of our pantheon of regrettable
teenage fashion choices being the first one to revisit us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
3. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hats Off</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back I realize, that I’ve really only
ever ranted and raved about the dangers of wearing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ballcaps — </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in the wrong
places, wrong directions and wrong styles – but never about the many <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other </i>kinds of men’s hats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, in a way, I may be partially responsible,
as I always assumed that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any other </i>type
of men’s hat was so obviously, painfully and awkwardly silly, that there was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no need</i> to point that out to
anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, unless you’re using it
to keep warm, if you’ve got something on your head <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">besides </i>a ballcap, you should immediately start riding a motorcycle
without a helmet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, you can just use
your own hat, instead!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But seriously,
though, the fact that clothing retailers have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">one again</i> convinced American men to try hats as accessories is a
testament to their own evil genius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So,
while I rail on here about the absolute and utter lack of respect I would have
for any man who was wearing a hat that wasn’t part of a uniform, and do my
level best to rage against the dying of any good sense, I suspect that no
matter how ridiculous we make the hatted public feel – they’ll always been
someone lame enough to cap back up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
* * *</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Summer is always an easy time for fashion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, we’re not clothing that much of
ourselves – it’s hard to get it so wrong (but not impossible – right, mom jeans
shorts girls?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Summer is shorts, suits,
and sandals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But every fall, when the
chilly nights and breezy days give us cause to cover back, it seems like our
brains got a little too much sun and we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">completely
forget </i>how to sensibly dress ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And so, the annual cycle renews – we fall to the suggested musings of a
few flamboyant Frenchmen, and suit up into the sublime <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and </i>the ridiculous –until it’s so cold that don’t care what we’re
wearing as long as it’s warm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To that
end, let’s raise a toast, to those too stupid to properly use their mirror and
to the coming winter which will send them back into hiding for another year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-29334382988378592952014-09-01T16:45:00.001-07:002014-09-02T12:45:32.197-07:003 Reasons To Be Glad Summer is (almost) OVER<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hazmbUIpsK0/VAUE32t0AMI/AAAAAAAAbDo/alw-4KGRTn8/s1600/news-summers-end-2011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hazmbUIpsK0/VAUE32t0AMI/AAAAAAAAbDo/alw-4KGRTn8/s1600/news-summers-end-2011.jpg" height="181" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Look, there’s not a much more reliable
indicator of middle age than beginning to grumble about the </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">seasons</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">, but part of the reason I </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">love Autumn </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">so much is how much I hate
(and have </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">always </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">hated Summer).</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I may live in the place with the </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">worst </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">summer in the country, but the
other three seasons (along with the absence of </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">any other adverse weather condition</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">) are nice enough to make it
worthwhile.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Would you expect any less of
me than to </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">only </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">like </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">three </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">seasons?</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">But this notwithstanding, the end of the Las
Vegas summer is the sort of thing which </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">deserves
</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">a celebration, which is why I take of my holiday-Grinch hat for Labor Day –
and celebrate alongside with everyone (albeit privately) and give thanks for
the not-a-day-too-soon end of the hot season.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">And while there are </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">many, many </i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">reasons
to cheer the end of this hottest season, as you have come to expect, I have
labored long and hard to distill this list to the most important </span><b style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">three reasons to be glad Summer is ending</b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">1.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Really, Freaking HOT.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Las Vegas is hot in the summer
in much the same way as Twitter is kindof a waste of time, Fox News is a little
biased and the Kardashians may be slightly self-absorbed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the highest summer temperatures of any
major domestic urban area, summer is more than a season here – it’s a beast all
its own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Locally referred to as 100 days
of 100, we spend the overwhelming majority of the season with 3-digit
temperatures, and nearly a month (collectively) over 110.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the temperature gets to 110, I begin to
treat it like a personal insult – as though I’m the only person who can feel
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I begin talking to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no one</i>, complaining and sulking around
in a general rage – like a heat-induced low-level psychosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You lose your manners in short order and
treat air conditioning like it’s oxygen itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the kind of weather that makes you treat sub-90-degree weather like
its Armistice Day, running outside and dancing in the streets, hoping for a young
nurse to stroll by looking for a historic kiss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And at long, long last… it’s here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">2.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Pool Parting</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The economics of nightclubs have always been
baffling enough to me (i.e. why would I pay $1,000 to drink a bottle of vodka
on a stranger’s couch?), but the even more successful economics of “dayclubs”
(i.e. pools) are that much more of a paradox.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not like a haven’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tried </i>these
destinations – they market successfully enough to pique my interest – but after
dozens of visits, I’m finally ready to admit that I hate the Vegas pool
scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love </i>the scene for the friends of mine that work there – there’s
not an easier <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">legal </i>way to make that
kind of money, but as a patron, I’m done hiding my hate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scene <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">advertised
</i>(i.e. endless seas of bikini models, free-flowing liquor and a great
concert poolside) versus reality is much like the difference between the Big
Mac in the commercials and the one you get in the Drive Thru.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Not counting the staff – who are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> the best looking folks in the
room) the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">overwhelming </i>majority of
patrons are people you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do not </i>want to
see partially dressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The few that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i>, are getting the kind of attention
that makes you keep you phone handy in case you need videotape the pending
sexual assault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The prices are nearly identical
to their night-time counterparts and the concerts are shorter, quieter and more
unintelligible than you’d get on a local open mike night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m convinced that most people in attendance
don’t really like it, but are mostly there to avoid having to say they
weren’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No thanks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">3.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Kids in the Hall</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am well aware of the “get off my lawn”
stereotype that seems to explain my utter lack of patience with anyone under
the age of 18, but there are few sweeter sounds than school bells and school
buses. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the record, I would <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love </i>for local teenagers to spend their
time outside and doing active things – I would just prefer it to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nowhere near me</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the opportunity
to meet and interact with some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">extraordinary
</i>young people – but those are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>the
ones I’m talking about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I mean the
mindless majority of them who are trying to figure out new and exciting ways to
do nothing and still expect regular income -- as well as stumbling through life
with the communication skills of your average slab of cheese.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve made my peace with the fact that this
generation isn’t capable of taking care of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">themselves
</i>in adulthood – let alone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my </i>generation
as it ages, but I’d rather not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">face </i>this
fact every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The closing of summer
means the opening of school doors, and the only chance this generation has to
not be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">completely </i>useless (as well as
some welcome peace and quiet in most public establishments).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words, the end of summer means that
our finest young minds will get back to the business of getting smarter, and
the rest of them are at least locked up for most of the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">* * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are plenty of moments from my
summer that I would <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love </i>to last
forever – after all, it was my fortieth birthday, my first vacation, the
beginning of some exceptional new opportunities and a great new place to
live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as a Colorado kid, I’ve come
to love the Fall in a way that most people can’t appreciate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, I don’t have the changing leaves, the
snow-capped western peaks or the crisp wind – but I’ve got weather that doesn’t
make me instantly sweaty, televised football almost <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every </i>day of the week and blessedly few interactions with school
kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s something to run out
and celebrate - as soon as the temperature gets below 100 degrees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-56928723150420723212014-06-15T10:44:00.001-07:002014-06-15T11:02:56.223-07:0040 Things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BeUwyyMJnS0/U53dcmWmDKI/AAAAAAAAa_U/nnAIo8cIV7Q/s1600/40+pic.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BeUwyyMJnS0/U53dcmWmDKI/AAAAAAAAa_U/nnAIo8cIV7Q/s1600/40+pic.jpeg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<ol>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Forty is not the “new” anything. It’s forty – get over it, and have a sandwich, already.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My twenties were a decade of wanting things I couldn’t have, my thirties was a decade of having things I didn’t want and I suspect my forties, as a result, will pretty much be awesome.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I am the “old guy in the club” – but that doesn’t mean I should feel bad about your girlfriend watching me dance. </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">It turns out that I would actually trade a leg before I'd give up dancing... thankfully, I have good enough doctors that I didn't have to.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Discretion is not just the better part of valor, it's also the key to negotiation, relationships and just about the best thing about getting older.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Aging out of the "target demographic" doesn't mean you aren't cool anymore, it means that you can <i>finally</i> stop changing your definition of "cool."</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My greatest regret, to date, is not taking enough (any) vacations - which also turns out to be a pretty resolution resolution for my forties.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Girls old enough to drink were born after I graduated high school - <i>that's</i> some perspective for you.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I finally figured out the source of the "most annoying sound in the world" (a la "Dumb and Dumber") - it's the sound of a toddler throwing a tantrum. And that <i>nails</i> it.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">There are more tests required to complete the <i>first grade</i> than there are to get a drivers license - and it shows.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The only thing more terrifyingly stupid than the religious right are their children.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I have a better chance at becoming the next President of the United States than anyone in the Republican Party. </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The sexes do <i>profoundly</i> more damage to themselves than they do to one another.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Anyone who rebuts climate change by noting that "it's cold outside" should be euthanized. Immediately.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I'm more embarrassed by the "Creation Museum" than I am by all of reality television, <i>collectively</i>.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I finally figured out why traveling costs so much - it's <i>worth</i> it.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Ignorance is not a disability, and therefore I can see no reason why we should accommodate it - <i>especially</i> at the common expense.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">A vocabulary tells the story of your mind - if yours is small, so are you.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Douchebaggery has become so ubiquitous that now women are doing it. Yes, that means <i>you</i>, girl with the aviator shades, Yankees cap and over-collagened lips. </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">No nation that systemically subjugates women can rightfully be considered "first world." Talking to you, Saudi Arabia.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The Bible (along with all religious texts) is an <i>allegory</i>. Stop it, already. </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I'd rather wear high heels than Crocs, "man-dals" or any shoe made from a reptile.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Just because <i>everyone</i> doesn't think you're beautiful doesn't mean <i>no one</i> does.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">There really are purely evil people in this world - and most of them are not in charge of anything. If you can't find the good in someone - it just might not be there.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Xenophobia is the ultimate intellectual cowardice. We're sharing this planet, so make some friends who don't look like you already.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">If you're not getting more tolerant as you get older, you're missing the point.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">There is no good reason to rev your engine at a stoplight unless you're in an action movie, the 50's or transit with a pregnant woman to the hospital. Trust me, you're none of these things.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I used to think the phrase "You're special" had two different meanings. Now, I think if you need to hear one - you probably need to hear both.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Vanity is perfectly acceptable, as long as it comes with a healthy dose of <i>perspective</i>.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The United States is not fighting to be the best country in the world, it's fighting to stay in the <i>top half.</i></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">There is no such thing as "an old soul" - just kids pretending to be grown ups, and grown ups who think parrots are "smart" animals.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Tax exemption is an outdated of an an idea as <i>segregation</i> - and we should be ashamed of it. Sports leagues, churches and charities don't need any help making (or keeping) money.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Leadership and being "in charge" are <i>not</i> the same things (though they do go well together). However, leadership and mentorship, are.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I meet "good kids" so rarely that I want to take down their names so I can contact them in ten years and offer them a job.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">You must learn how to be an asshole - not as a personality trait, but as a rarely used skill. Without it, you <i>will</i> get taken advantage of.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">If your friends don't ever criticize you, <i>they are not your friends</i>.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">It's not always ok to cry, but it's <i>definitely</i> ok to cry.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">We don't read, write or learn enough. Tragically, none of them have ever been easier, less expensive or more universally available.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Our life stories are better told the way we used to tell them - passing them down as fading recollections, rose-colored memories and hyperbolic anecdotes. So, put the camera phone down and just take it all in. </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Three things you should never have to explicitly notify anyone of: being smart, being rich, or being in charge. If you're the real deal - everyone that matters will know without you saying a word about it. </li>
</ol>
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Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-37740518919369292102014-04-11T20:49:00.000-07:002014-04-11T20:49:02.001-07:003 Leaving Lessons – Requiem for a Jack<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">A few weeks ago, I said
goodbye to one of the best friends I’ve ever had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A life spent in the military, traveling from
place to place and working tirelessly towards a dream doesn’t often afford the
opportunity gather much of a family; let alone a companion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, at the suggestion of friends,
just after I took the Nevada Bar Exam, I went to the local rescue and adopted
an Australian Shepherd that I named Jack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He helped to fill an otherwise empty house, provided a faithful
companion when they seemed perilously hard to come by and a playmate when
playtime was increasingly scarce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
times got tough, he was an ever-ready ear, a fluffy pillow to hug and someone
always happy to see me, when welcoming arms were in short supply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised him that I would make it through
for both of us, that things would get better and that there would soon be a
time for as much play as he could handle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Taking my dreams to the next level meant even greater sacrifices of free
time and home time, and Jack ultimately spent most of his days with only a dog
door, a big back yard and automatic feeders for company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those dreams have finally come to mean
selling the house and moving closer to work – and ultimately, a life with no
place for Jack in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But just as he
taught me lessons in life, he taught me even more lessons in leaving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, as the only fitting requiem I can
must, here are the three most important of those lessons:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Loving
can mean leaving</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the best
thing you can do for someone or something you love is letting them go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can tell you, it’s dramatically easier
advice to give than to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But along
with mystery aches, waning memory and an systemic misunderstanding of anyone
under the age of 25, getting older means knowing that sometimes the best things
in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your </i>life are better off <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> in your life any longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vast
</i>majority of people who have contributed to who I am today are people who I
simply don’t know anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their
contribution to my life is in no way diminished by the finite nature of their
presence, because their impact is infinite and ongoing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coaches, teammates, friends, enemies, lovers
and more – each of them special to me, all of them long gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For animals, whose life span and memory are
far shorter, this is even more important and true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jack will be lucky to get fifteen good years
on this rock, and the fact that he spent two of them lighting up my darkest
days was a great gift to us both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
left me knowing how to catch a fifty-yard Frisbee toss on the fly, I left him
knowing that sometimes the best way to say “I love you” is throwing that
Frisbee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In leaving, he got a life with
full-time friends and family, and I got a whole lot less house to worry
about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think a lot more about the days
he was here than the day he left – and I’m pretty sure he does, too – if only
to remember exactly how that Frisbee is gonna fly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Time
after time</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are few lessons
more universally learned and poignant than the value of time – and how it
changes. When things are bad, life is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">long</i>,
when they are good, life is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">short</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can find someone or something that can
make your bad days shorter, you should hold on with everything you’ve got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of my sometimes interminable days,
the hour between getting home and falling asleep never passed by more quickly
than when we chased each other around the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of all of the great and terrible gifts I have
given and received, I have never found one which costs more, means more or
stays with me as long as simple <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">time</i>:
the time I take when I have precious little to give, the time spent when it
seems like there simply isn’t any left and the time I get from those too busy
to even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">imagine</i> what type of
sacrifice it took to give it to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All
Jack <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever </i>wanted from me was some
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loved his treat, toys and big
back yard – but there wasn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything </i>he
wouldn’t drop when he saw the leash appear in my hand, or the Frisbee come out
of my pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He desperately loved
tug-of-war, but letting him win was the worst way to end it – it wasn’t the toy
he wanted, it was the tugging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have </i>time in great supply – I’m not
certain I ever will, but the great blessing of being busy is to know just how
much it means to simply show up, to listen up or to give up some other
appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I regret a great deal more
the nights I couldn’t find time to play more than letting him find a family
that had them in abundance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Understanding
is overrated</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve seen my share of
dog whisperers, pet psychologists and animal activists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve read studies, stories and whole sites
dedicated to trying to figure out what your pet is saying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ve come to one conclusion – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">we have no f*&king idea</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But more importantly, it doesn’t matter at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know why Jack used to
squirm around on his back when I would get home – making funny noises and
looking like a slow motion seizure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
thought it meant that he wanted his belly rubbed, but approaching him would
make him snap right back up and grab something for me to throw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so, when I got home, I would just let him
go through it – and I loved watching him go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I never figured out why sometimes he would bring things back to me, and
sometimes he would just come back without them – but I always loved chasing
after them with him at my side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never
knew why he would only sleep in my bed when I wasn’t in it – and would jump off
as soon as I laid down, even when I implored him to stay – but I loved seeing
that dog-shaped wrinkle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the
best part of loving something or someone are the things you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t </i>get – because there is a beauty in
mystery, and we’ve got no better shot at understanding our dogs than we do at
understanding our gods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">* * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I had the enormous good
fortune to actually <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">meet </i>Jack’s new
family as they adopted him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They come
with a ready-made brother for Jack – and a new name: “Huck.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not too long before they came to get him,
they lost a long-time family member, and couldn’t suffer to see their remaining
pup mope around alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They spent an
hour or so making friends while the requisite paperwork was filled out and at
least two other families lamented that he had been adopted so quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jack was always a popular boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We took pictures, talked and learned about
his new, big back yard, a family that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always
</i>had someone at home and the great toys waiting for him a short drive
away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a year filled with tough times,
I have often wondered if I had beaten all the feeling out of myself – and Jack
taught me one last thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He took to his
new buddy so quickly that he hardly noticed the tears in my eyes and the catch
in my breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t call him as he
left, because I wasn’t crying for him – at that point I wasn’t crying at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply smiled when he didn’t turn
around to look for me as they drove away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-44207864737916060702013-06-12T21:18:00.000-07:002013-06-24T07:42:30.680-07:0039 Things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezW3Tk5MrIc/UcfIRbPyZsI/AAAAAAAAaOE/LgIFzJaFxSE/s1600/title_the_39_steps_blu-ray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezW3Tk5MrIc/UcfIRbPyZsI/AAAAAAAAaOE/LgIFzJaFxSE/s320/title_the_39_steps_blu-ray.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The best-laid plans of mice and men…
or so wrote a better author than I might ever hope to be. And so the
year of writing that was to be has turned into an extension of the
work-based sabbatical that I had hoped to conclude just six months
ago. Thankfully, as it has for the past four years, the anniversary
of my birth has provided a mid-year reminder that the time for
reflection is nigh, and if I can produce no other good thing to read,
that I can at least sit down and reflect on one lesson learned for
each year that I’ve managed to stay alive. And while they, like my
life itself, run from the sublime to the ridiculous, they have proven
to be just about the only consistent thing over this long, strange
trip – and so, in the interests of marking the better part of four
decades of bachelorhood with the manliest thing I can muster (a list
of rules for life), here are THIRTY NINE THINGS I’ve learned:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<ol><div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The only things that you can
finish which warrant a celebration called a “graduation” are
<i>high school and college</i>. Anything else is the equivalent of
a participation ribbon, and I will celebrate it accordingly.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The following arts are
increasingly lost, and are likely doomed to extinction:
conversation, social dancing and writing in complete sentences.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The only thing I’m willing to
buy from a person with a faux-hawk is table reservations at a
nightclub – and even then, I’m still not jazzed about it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
You can tell almost everything you
need to know about a woman from her hands – this includes her age,
her maintenance level and her capacity for evil. Just like in the
storybooks – stay away from <i>anything </i>with pointy nails.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Wal-Mart is not the <i>cause </i>of
the decline of civilization, but it has become the best place to
watch it happening.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
We have the drinking age and the
driving age <i>backwards</i>. I’d much rather deal with a drunk
16 year old <i>on foot</i> than a sober one in a car.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The phrase “I couldn’t tell
how old she was” is <i>always </i>a lie.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
You know what’s wrong with great
big boobs? <i>Nothing</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
There is far too <i>much </i>faith
placed in mothers, and far too <i>little</i> in fathers. There is
nothing inherently good about someone who is fertile, nor inherently
evil about someone who is virile. Bad mothers occur just as
frequently as bad fathers.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I've finally stopped getting dirty
looks from pretty girls in the gym – and finally figured out that
it's because I'm officially a harmless old man.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Most of my tastes have matured
over time, but I'm pretty sure I'll always be unreasonably
entertained by videos of people hurting themselves.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The only difference between
nightclubs and gentlemen’s clubs has become the prices.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The revving of an engine is the
most reliable and enduring indicator of douchebaggery <i>ever</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
No one is as good at lying as they
think. Conversely, no one is as good as spotting a liar as they
think.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Traffic is our great social
failure. I have a device in my pocket that gives me on demand
access to all the information in the WORLD, and yet, <i>thousands</i>
of people are forced to lose hours out of their day because of <i>one
</i>risk-averse agoraphobic in an ’89 Tercel is completed
<i>confounded </i><span style="font-style: normal;">by modern traffic
signals</span>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Just because you <i>can </i>write
something that all your friends can read doesn’t mean that you
<i>should</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
You are never, under any
circumstances, allowed to select your own nickname.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
No matter much time and money I
spend on it, my hair will never be as cool as I want it to be. I
am, however, grateful to still have all of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Once you’ve held a person over
your head, standing, on one hand – every other measure of strength
just seems kindof silly.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I have never felt quite ready for
anything I’ve taken on for the past 20 years. I have been wrong
<i>every </i>time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
The two least attractive words you
can say to a woman at 39 are “my cat.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Three biggest reasons I don’t
want to turn 40: Dinner parties, wine tastings and prostate exams –
yes, in that order.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I see the same guy in the mirror I
saw 10 years ago – and I’m terrified of when that’s going to
change.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>I don't care
how hot it is – if you're a grown man, I don't need to see your
feet.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
I don't need everyone around me to
be beautiful, but I <i>do</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> need
them to be clean. There is no good reason to stink.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">If
your explanation for </span><i>any </i><span style="font-style: normal;">viewpoint
is “because it says so in the Bible” - there is a 100% chance
that I don't want to hear anything you say.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
My support of
any sports team is inversely proportional to how insufferable their
fans are – which is why I hate the Yankees, the Lakers, the Heat
and all things Notre Dame.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">My
continued patronage of WalMart is a testament to just how good their
prices are – because I'm willing to tolerate full volume social
decay </span><i>every</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> time I
shop there.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
There is no acceptable way to wear
a hankerchief on your head at the gym. Come to think of it, this
goes for pretty much anyplace.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Eating healthy as either a
bachelor <i>or</i> a business owner is almost impossible. Eating healthy
when you're both <i>is </i><span style="font-style: normal;">impossible
– so stop asking me about it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">One
of the great unmentioned joys of adulthood is buying whatever damned
cereal I want.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
Life is <i>not </i><span style="font-style: normal;">short.
Life is </span><i>long</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> –
</span><i>youth </i><span style="font-style: normal;">is short, and
as is often said, utterly wasted on the young.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I've
got more pains than a window store, but I wouldn't trade them in for
all the crazy, awesome and unexpected ways I beat the crap out of
myself over the years. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I
don't sweat any more now than I used to when I go dancing, I just
care less about it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">There
</span><i>is </i><span style="font-style: normal;">a such thing as a
dumb question – and the dumbest one I've heard to date is: “Why
do you work so hard?” So that I never have to ask anyone else
</span><i>that </i><span style="font-style: normal;">question.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">If
the prettiest part of you washes off, you're doing it wrong. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">Success
in leadership is a direct function of the amount of sacrifice you're
willing to make for those you lead. </span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">Nothing
sells as well as being </span><i>genuine; passion</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
can't be faked (at least not for long) and telling the truth is the
easiest way to not have to remember much.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I
learn every day. Anyone that thinks they don't need to learn
anymore is a fool, and anyone that doesn't want to is already dead.
</span>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</li>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I
can't wait to learn what my 40</span><sup><span style="font-style: normal;">th</span></sup><span style="font-style: normal;">
year has in store.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-23203790902541444692013-01-15T13:56:00.002-08:002013-01-15T18:53:18.501-08:003 Wearing Warnings<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1JdT9Z-nwtM/UPXQZhFL2bI/AAAAAAAAZPk/g2H4X9rBNTk/s1600/baggins.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1JdT9Z-nwtM/UPXQZhFL2bI/AAAAAAAAZPk/g2H4X9rBNTk/s1600/baggins.gif" /></a>While
the turning of the New Year brings resolute behavior to many of us, it doesn’t
seem to move the needle much when it comes to ill-advised fashion choices. Despite the availability of well-made,
stylish and flattering clothing at exceptionally reasonable prices, it seems
like an impossible majority of people still look like they dress themselves
without the assistance of friends, mirrors or indoor lighting. Fashion advice abounds, in almost every
conceivable medium, and yet, its like there’s been a conscious effort to avoid
any employment of the same. The only
explanation that I can come up with is that the abundance of “what to wear”
advice has become so overwhelming that no one’s bothered to offer a similar
volume of advice of the “what <i>not </i>to
wear” variety. As it turns out, however,
fashion is much easier to screw up than to get right, and so, in the hopes that
I might be the catalyst of a cascade of criticism, here are <b>three things you almost certainly should
not be wearing</b>:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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1. <b>Faux-ssociation</b>. There have always been, and there will always
been certain pastimes, hobbies and other activities with a sort of cool caché;
an implicit sense of fashion forwardness that is validated solely by the
activity itself. For the west coast crowd,
this mantle has traditionally been borne by skaters and surfers and, in recent
years, by the mixed martial arts crowd.
Now, while I am perfectly happy to see these free souls find a way to
make a living doing what they love - by selling their duds to the public - the
sprawl of these styles (by way of shopping mall brands like Pac-Sun, Tillys,
Zumiez, etc.) has rendered them a staple of modern dress no more remarkable than
Levi’s, Old Navy or the Gap. But what is
even more troubling than the mainstreaming of this counterculture, is the almost
unbelievable swagger that it seems to engender – as though simply by wearing
the same <i>clothes</i>, these double-digit
IQ mouth-breathers have adopted the carefree and well earned bravado of these
modern-day cowboys. Sure, in my day, we
wore the apparel of our favorite heroes, both large and small, but I was also
sure that wearing my Hulkamania t-shirt didn’t make me a wrestler, nor did my
Air Jordans give me the ability to dunk a basketball. So to be clear, your Billabong shirt doesn’t
change the fact that the only things you’ve surfed are your parents’ couch and
the Internet; your skate shoes don’t make you a skater, they just make you too
lazy to buy grown-up shoes, and your TapOut shirt <i>does not make you a fighter</i>, they just make a jerk off with anger issues and
a grudge against your ex-girlfriend. The clothes <i>don’t </i>make the man, especially when they
come with screen-printed logos.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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2. <b>Big
Timers</b>. As the cell phone has become
more and more ubiquitous, it has come to replace any number of previously
cherished personal items: our calendars, our address books, and perhaps someday
soon, even our wallets. But perhaps
nothing it has replaced has been so obvious or unexpected as the
wristwatch. I truly can’t remember the
last time I was compelled to wear one of these anachronistic pieces. There is just no need, as the accurate time is always at my fingertips, just the push of a button
away. And so, the watch has ceased to
function as a necessity, and is reduced to <i>solely
</i>a fashion accessory. You might think
that, relegated to this status, the watch would become a subtle accent piece –
the pocket square of jewelry, if you will.
But of course, you would be wrong.
The modern day wristwatch has grown to ludicrous proportions, both in
size and "bling." And as women have
taken to wearing watch sizes previously reserved for men, men, not to be
outdone, now wear watch faces that could serve double duty as drink
coasters, with numbers large enough to be read from across the room. Look, the bottom line here is simple, if the
diameter of your watch face, in inches, starts with the number <i>two </i>or higher, there’s simply no chance
that you have anything of value to offer the world, and you may as well just wear that
watch into traffic – at least that way it can finally serve a useful purpose,
noting the time of death of one more douche.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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3. <b>Size</b>
<b>Shmedium</b>. It’s not like I don’t get it. I was a late bloomer. I get that an appropriately small t-shirt can
lend a measure of credibility to a torso that just doesn’t have any hope in
something that actually <i>fits</i>. And there is a time in a man's life when this is the sort of
thing I could overlook – and that time is <i>high
school</i>. So unless you’re making
Friday night plans to see the football game, or trying to figure out who to take to the
Prom, you really need to find a shirt that actually fits you. There is nothing more desperate and pathetic
than a <i>grown man </i>wearing a shirt
tight enough that you can count his ribs.
Seriously, who do you think you’re fooling? Here’s a quick test, gents: raise your arms
above your head – if your shirt has now produced a bare midriff <i>it’s not the right size</i>. Want to know a secret? Women can tell how big you are <i>no matter what you wear</i>. That’s right, just like black stretch pants that have a better chance of hiding a chalk stain than a big butt – they’ve got us
figured out – and now you just look like a five foot ten inch tall stack of
self-esteem issues. Honestly, a shirt
that tight couldn’t be any less masculine if it was hot pink, bedazzled and
covered in rainbow glitter. What’s
worse, they actually <i>cut and size </i>modern
t-shirts to produce the look you're going for – so you’re only foiling the efforts of much more talented designers (and looking even <i>dumber </i>in the
process) by refusing to size up. Do us
all a favor, ask for some size help at the store, and for the sake of all of
us, get the “Large.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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* *
* <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Despite
<i>all </i>of the options out there, it’s
really not that hard to figure out what <i>not
</i>to wear. All you need to do is put
yourself in that same cruel and relentless mindset you used to take to middle
school every day. You know, that awkward
time in your life where you going through so many changes that the only thing
that satiated your own terror was pointing what was wrong with <i>everyone else</i>? Yup, that’s the one. Channel that inner demon child and sidle up to the
closest full-length mirror and take a good <i>long</i>
look. If your mind begins to spin out of
control with the requisite flood of mockery, it’s time to head back into the
closet and try again – maybe this time with the lights on. This process can be repeated until the only
decent insult you can come up with is: “you look like a big stupid grown up” – then
you’re finally ready to head out the door. Because
keeping in touch with your inner child is only a good idea if you don’t let him
pick out your clothes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-76899095303854500882013-01-07T20:56:00.000-08:002013-01-07T20:56:05.638-08:003 I Told You So's
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<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Eqw29jMXOrI/UOumxQkZz1I/AAAAAAAAZH4/ygm1RmPw2fs/s1600/ROLL+TIDE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Eqw29jMXOrI/UOumxQkZz1I/AAAAAAAAZH4/ygm1RmPw2fs/s320/ROLL+TIDE.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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There
are few things so easily and justifiably hate-able as Notre Dame football. In a world where fads and brands come and go
like the seasons, those that refuse to exit so gracefully become a disappointing
reminder of the petulance that often accompanies ignorance. Every football game Notre Dame plays is a
morality play, where the “Irish” play the part of the villainy of modern day
entitlement and ill-deserved self-righteousness. Watching Notre Dame win is like watching the
rich and poorly-mannered kid get the girl; like watching Goliath beat David;
like watching Justin Beiber upstage the Rolling Stones. But this season, and the least impressive
12-0 record in the <i>history </i>of college
football, has always had a sense of inevitability to it. You <i>knew</i>,
you just <i>knew, </i>that at some point, it
had to give; at some point, the luck of a team who’s no more Irish than the
good folks in Tuscaloosa had to run out; at some point, there would be a
reckoning. And so there was. But while I’m not in the habit of dancing on
graves, planting a foot on a great and vanquished evil and pumping a fist is <i>exactly </i>the kind of thing I’m about – so
here are <b>three reasons why Notre Dame
sucks, and why I was right all along</b>:
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
1. <b>Hijacked
Pride</b>. Nothing about the Notre Dame
football you see today is genuine.
Nothing. The colors (blue and
gold)? Well, you should know by now who
had <i>those </i>first (and who still wears
them best). Fighting Irish? Well depending on where you read it, they got
<i>that </i>nickname from either opposing
fans, opposing players or the New York Daily News – how’s <i>that </i>for originality? The legend of Rudy? Well just ask Joe Montana (who, as it turns
out was the last ND quarterback to win a Super Bowl) who has maintained that it
just never happened. QB University? How are Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen working
out in the NFL? As for their fans, well,
I don’t even know where to begin. The
overwhelming majority of Irish fans have <i>never
even been on the campus</i>, let alone <i>attended
</i>or <i>graduated </i>from the University. Many of them are Catholic, but that doesn’t
explain why they’re not rooting for Boston College, Villanova, or Loyola. A few are Irish, but they seem like they’d
better served rooting for their national soccer team than a bunch of kids who
couldn’t tell you the difference between Protestants and Catholics if you gave
them cue cards, hints, and three tries at it.
Truth is, there’s more reality in reality television than in any “Irish
Pride.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
2. <b>Tired
Dynasty</b>. The only thing I can think
of which has lived longer off it’s <i>long
past </i>glory to get fans to suffer its current utter noxiousness is <i>Star Wars</i>, and while the last great Star
Wars movie predated the last great Notre Dame team by five years, George Lucas
at least at three shots at it – whereas the “vaunted Fighting Irish” got their
first chance to stink up a National Championship game a heady <i>twenty five years</i> after their last. Seriously, if getting to the final game every
two or three decades qualifies as a “dynasty” then we’ve got more college
football royalty than we know what to do with.
The worst part of this is, <i>their
fans don’t know this.</i> They’re
reliving 1988 like it happened last year, you know like that <i>one guy </i>at your twenty year reunion who
was telling old football stories in the hopes of bedding a cheerleader one last
time? Honestly, barely skipping by Pitt
and Purdue doesn’t make you a champion, it makes you a middling top 25 team
that got some lucky bounces and a few good recruits. The only thing scary about Notre Dame coming
to play your team is the horde of mouth-breathing idiot fans who wouldn’t know
sportsmanship if it walked up and slapped them (which isn’t such a bad idea).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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3. <b>Behind
the Shine</b>. The <i>real </i>reason, the <i>best </i>reason,
to hate Notre Dame is what lurks behind those glittery helmets and face-painted
shamrocks. Despite the fact that it’s
planted smack dab in the middle of small-town Indiana – the kind of place that
is just about as “Midwest” as a place can get – Notre Dame is a private school
for rich kids who think winning is a birthright, and not something you
earn. Notre Dame in South Bend is like
putting a Barney’s in the middle of a WalMart.
But how else can you explain a fan base that <i>legitimately </i>believes that it’s chasing a national title the year
after winning 3, 7 and 6 games? It takes
a special kind of entitlement to believe that you’re chasing greatness when
you’re chasing <i>Purdue </i>around the
field. The audacity of the ND fan base
is exactly what you might expect from a culture where 50% of the nation’s young
adults believe they’re in the top 10%.
Notre Dame is the epitome of an all-shine and no-substance culture that
generates fame for its own sake – and if you can find a better reason that to
hate them, I’d like to hear it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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* *
* <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Comeuppance,
recompense, just desserts – whatever you want to call it, what transpired in
the national championship of college football in 2013, was the kind of justice
that we all expected, that we all <i>needed</i>
after a season of doubt turned into a month of creeping belief, and we all
simply couldn’t take any more. For just
a moment, we all stopped believing our own eyes – looked at the statistics and
wondered if there just wasn’t enough good left in this broken system to keep an
evil empire from assuming the throne.
But as every good story goes, there is always a great fall in store for
those whose achievements are built on long-faded reputation, an unwillingness
to take on challenges and transparent bravado.
As the great Pat Haney once taught me, so many years ago, it’s about <i>heart</i>, and this team, simply has none. Because Notre Dame’s is a legacy whose
heartbeat has long since been replaced by the echoes of past glory, and for
those with the will to fight each day like it’s their last, for those who play
with heart, in the end, there will always be victory. Roll Tide. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-81820333324803756482013-01-04T00:30:00.001-08:002013-01-04T12:49:03.048-08:003 Reasons to Come Back<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ezt6t4znbZU/UOaS18wW7xI/AAAAAAAAZHI/O5maLx-GEU8/s1600/now-panic-cause-i-m-back-bitches.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ezt6t4znbZU/UOaS18wW7xI/AAAAAAAAZHI/O5maLx-GEU8/s320/now-panic-cause-i-m-back-bitches.png" width="274" /></a></div>
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Knowing when to quit is a nuanced skill. After all, we love nothing more than a good
comeback. Our professional sports
leagues award Comeback Players Of the Year; we line up for sequels of even the
most tired franchises and we hold no ideal in greater regard than that of never
giving up hope. That said, we also note
with disdain and vicarious embarrassment, those who have held on too long: the
athlete who retires and un-retires repeatedly, the aging actress who insists on
obvious plastic surgery and the band who, despite custom made monitors, fails
to notice that they just can’t hit the notes anymore. (Dear the Guess Who, I’m
talking to <i>you</i>). But despite these cautionary tales, I find my
cup not quite as empty as I expected.
And so, a great risk to whatever reputation the previous iterations of
this project has built for me, I have decided to come back for one more
year. And by way of explanation the only
way I know how, here are <b>three reasons I’m back</b>:<o:p></o:p></div>
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1. <b>I can be.</b> The combination of the pending end to the
football season, the greatest dearth of entertaining television since we
invented the thing and no pressing yard work has left me with a great deal of
free weekend time which I’m remiss to fill with anything similarly
mindless. I’ve tried crosswords, audio
books and word games on my iPhone, but nothing really satiates me addiction to
wording like just writing them down. And
so I’m back to spending my <i>free </i>doing
what I spend the <i>other </i>twelve hours
of my day doing: slapping the ol’ keyboard around (which may be the worst
euphemism for writing, <i>ever</i>). The primary difference being, no one will <i>pay </i>me to write the funny stuff. Sure, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,
but neither do Gummi Krabby Patties, Gangham Style or the chronology of the
James Bond series, and I’m <i>completely </i>addicted
to all of those. For the most part, I’ve
got the time, and when I don’t I can finally make it. And guess who gets to benefit from all that? It’s definitely not my lawn.<o:p></o:p></div>
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2. <b>I want to be</b>. Crossing the finish line
of twenty years since high school means not being ashamed to like what you
like, and I just like writing this stuff.
Three Things represents the first thing I’ve ever written that I can
consistently go back and not be mortified while reading. Sure, there are <i>always </i>things that I might tweak – and a few pieces I’d like to
take back altogether, but on balance, I actually like what I wrote back then,
and I’d like to have the same experience years from now. Truth is, Facebook notwithstanding, very
little of what we do has any permanence, and even <i>less </i>of it has any desirable permanence. So if you find something that fits that
category, seems to me like you ought to keep up with it. Sure, I could spend my time doing all sort of
mindless jibber-jabber, but just like a glass of scotch versus a fruity
cocktail, I prefer laying down these tireless rants over more hedonistic
endeavors. Sure it may burn a little
more at first, but doesn’t that seem to make the ride just that much sweeter?<o:p></o:p></div>
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3. <b>I must be</b>. The catharsis of writing is
a cruel addiction. Walk away for just a
moment, and the ache of keeping it bottled up arrives before the ink has dried
on your previous piece. Do that for the
better part of a year, and you’ve got all the makings of a psychotic
break. Writing is a life sentence. Writing is our most basic expression of
intellect. It is the sharing of
information in a permanent way that gave rise to our civilization as we know
it. Recording our thoughts, our
impressions and our aspirations is the most human thing we do, and if I have
discovered any small part of the “meaning of life” it is that we are meant to
share our minds. No endeavor has ever
given me the intellectual satisfaction that I derive from these pieces; this
includes a Bachelor’s degree in mathematics, qualification as a Nuclear
Engineer in the Navy’s submarine program, a law degree from Stanford and eight
years of private practice. And so, for
any measure of peace of mind, I have no choice… but to<i> </i>write.<o:p></o:p></div>
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* * * <o:p></o:p></div>
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When I first started writing these odes to that great
Trifecta in the sky, I wondered if I might ever run out of “threes” to muse
over. And to that end, 2012 was
instructive: there was always be new and horrible things to rant about; there
will always be beautiful and wondrous exceptions to our otherwise barbaric and
foolish nature to inspire with; and there will always, <i>always </i>be a reason to laugh, cry and maybe do that awkward thing
that’s a bit of both. And because of
these things, these <i>three things</i>, I’m
back – and with a little luck, and a whole lot of your support, I’ll be better
than ever. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-82219565876445111302012-06-12T10:53:00.003-07:002012-06-12T11:49:20.129-07:0038 Things<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VrTGUBjxvL8/T9eB8SGxfVI/AAAAAAAATL4/qSmr2wnu9mE/s1600/38+v2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VrTGUBjxvL8/T9eB8SGxfVI/AAAAAAAATL4/qSmr2wnu9mE/s320/38+v2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I started out with the best of intentions on a third year of THREE THINGS, I really did. But as it’s want to do, life sometimes has different things in mind and an unintentional sabbatical was born. As time wore on, I looked to the seminal pieces from the previous years as places to measure my interest in restarting, and while a number of holidays passed without inspiration, the annual anniversary of my arrival on this planet – which had previously used to list and share the lessons I had learned up until that day – loomed large. Because for the great many things that seemed to inadvertently go on hold, the one thing that didn’t was the discrete learning process that has marked much of my adult life. A young life spent training in mathematics did not leave with me any remarkable skill in doing arithmetic in my head (though it seems everyone wants this to be the case), but rather, a penchant for reducing inductive discoveries into rules. In this form, they take on a utility, both to me and to others. In this form they can be tested and tried – and most importantly, passed on. And so, in the interests of doing something to celebrate 38 years spent breathing, here are <b>38 things I’ve learned</b>:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>The answer to the problem of people not reading enough is <i>not </i>to give them dumber things to read: it’s to make them smart enough to read the things that are already written (are you listening Stephanie Meyer?)</li>
<li>Each decade of one's life has a different most valuable commodity. The first four (in order) have been: my toys, my friends, my lovers, and my time. I have a strong suspicion that my next one will be my health.</li>
<li>There is no more universal regret, when looking back on one’s youth, than what we <i>wore.</i></li>
<li>I’ve decided that it makes more sense to hate individual athletes than whole teams: so my sports hates are now Alex Rodriguez, Chris Bosch and everyone that plays for Notre Dame.</li>
<li>Three things that women are universally bad at judging: what constitutes a good movie, how long they can wear their shoes without pain, and how attractive their friends are. </li>
<li>Forty is only the new thirty for men. For women, forty is the new sixty. But hey, you didn’t have to buy your own drinks for twenty years so shut up. </li>
<li>If the success of Mad Men, Robert Downey Jr., and Fifty Shades of Grey has taught us anything, it’s that, appropriate or not, we still love some man in our men.</li>
<li>After military school, everything else seems leisurely-paced. Including the law? <i>Especially</i> the law.</li>
<li>There is a name for clubs where you spend extravagantly to watch pretty girls dance on top of things and pretend they like you, and it’s not dance clubs, ultra lounges or country bars. </li>
<li>If you’ve got a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, and you’re out without them, if your first sentence to a stranger doesn’t work that word into it somehow, you’re a piece of shit.</li>
<li>No, I do not want to teach you how to dance. I’m 38, I need you to already know how. Do you want to teach me how to talk to girls?</li>
<li>Eye contact three times is the universal signal for “come talk to me.” Making eye contact three times and then being an ass is the universal signal for “you’re going to die alone.”</li>
<li>The color of the President’s skin is a terrible and ridiculous reason not to trust him. The idiots he’s surrounded himself with works much better. </li>
<li>The ability of gay marriage to impact the moral fiber of society is somewhere just below that of the new season of Jersey Shore.</li>
<li>If you can’t flex it, it’s fat. </li>
<li>The two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 38: “My boss.”</li>
<li>Real Women don’t have curves, Real Women have a sweat suit they actually <i>sweat</i> in, and yoga pants that they… well, you get it from here.</li>
<li>The more you started with, the less I respect what you’ve got. </li>
<li>The three movies that your failure to have ever seen are justifiable grounds for me to stop talking to you immediately are: Star Wars, Top Gun & The Breakfast Club. Because there’s simply <i>no chance</i> that you’ll get me otherwise.</li>
<li>The more technology we devote to making something “easier”, the harder it gets. Case-in-point: communicating, knowing what’s going on in the world, and dating.</li>
<li>Justin Bieber turned out to be worse than N’Sync. By a lot. </li>
<li>The worst of us are vastly more entertaining than the best of us. This is probably because one reminds us how good we are, and the other how terribly average.</li>
<li>The great tragedy of religion is that, given the ultimate gift of the ability to look forward and perceive our future, we keep looking backwards to find something to believe in. </li>
<li>I would rather spend time with the Manson family than the Kardashian family. </li>
<li>There is <i>always</i> another train coming.</li>
<li>Be wary of any place where you get the same advice for success as you get in prison (e.g, keep your head down, do your time, keep an eye out in the shower, etc.) This is especially true for <i>jobs</i>. </li>
<li>Best friends come from the most unexpected places. Of my four best friends, none of them are lawyers, only one has a degree, two of them are cheerleaders, three of them are hairier than me, and all four are better friends than I deserve.</li>
<li>Though actual feral children are quite rare, you can closely approximate the experience at <i>any</i> local Wal-Mart.</li>
<li>The great success of modern fashion is that we have finally convinced idiots to label <i>themselves</i>.</li>
<li>There is nothing more terrifying or more satisfying than going out on your own, doing it your own way, and working without a safety net.</li>
<li>People suck. This is both cause for despair and a reason to truly appreciate those precious few people you know that don’t. </li>
<li>The greatest modern civic failure is <i>traffic</i>; a system that, after nearly 100 years, is still completely controlled by the dumbest person in line.</li>
<li>Making someone feel stupid isn’t <i>abuse</i>, it’s motivation for them to get smarter. </li>
<li>The absence of a good ass-kicking from the vast majority of modern childhoods isn’t progress, it’s <i>tragic</i>.</li>
<li>No matter how much better, higher-resolution, three-dimensional or otherwise awesome they make it, nothing will make me happier to see on a TV screen than Super Mario Brothers. </li>
<li>I’m not scared of marriage – I’m scared of divorce; which is governed by laws based largely on the 1950's. </li>
<li>The only really good gamble to make is on yourself. Everything else is just luck and wishful thinking.</li>
<li>I would rather fail spectacularly attempting some great thing than succeed at doing something average.</li>
</ol>
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Here’s to a 39th year attempting great things. Come what may. <br />
<br />Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-71656490316957442612012-04-16T12:17:00.000-07:002012-04-16T12:17:43.318-07:003 New Douches<br />
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<span class="s1">I swear I’ve written this essay a few times before. No writer likes to cover old ground, repeating the same insights - which, the second time around, seem unoriginal and contrived. And so it is with douchebaggery. Given the number of times I’ve written about it, I feel like I should have it covered by now. I’ve opined on this tragic male zeitgeist more than three times as many times as I’ve waxed philosophical on politics, and yet, the latter seems far more thoroughly covered. It’s seems that the need for the self-aggrandizement of the modern male is a force so powerful that we are incapable of containing it. No matter how shameful or ridiculous it is exposed to be, it endures. No matter how many times we shout it down, it resurfaces: rebranded, redoubled and, impossibly enough, re<i>newed</i>. But despite the overwhelming odds against me, I continue to rage against this unstoppable force. Like the Spartan 300, I have confidence that while outnumbered, I am fighting for what it righteous and just, and that I can and will prevail. And so, in the seemingly endless fight against asshatted chodery, here are <b>3 new douches that should be mocked into oblivion</b>:</span><br />
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<span class="s1">1.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><b>Hotness</b>. The tank top is already a staple of douchery. One cannot even be considered an entry-level “bagger” without a significant number of these undershirts-come-outerwear in their wardrobe. The same can be said for ill-fitting cargo shorts. But whereas these fashion scourges and thoughtless homages to doughy physiques were previously something we were only forced to endure during summer months, they have recently become a year-round measure of visual pollution. I <i>imagine </i>that wearing unseasonably warm clothing in sub-60 degree temperatures is meant to evoke a kind of awe in the toughness and abject badassery it must take to don the barest measures of cover when braving chilling temperatures, but when you’re doing it at the <i>outdoor mall</i>, it just makes you look (even more) like an idiot. The worst part about this is that every moron that engages in this behavior seems to be the kind of guy (a) whose partial nudity is more likely to arouse disgust and disappointment than awe, and (b) who <i>really </i>should be covering up (for health reasons). Watching people this intellectually under-equipped trying to manage the faux lack of discomfort over being dressed for temperatures twenty degrees cooler isn’t even entertaining, it’s just disappointing. I can appreciate that sometimes ladies dressed for a night on the town can be caught in similar circumstances, but for gentlemen, where a jacket is <i>always </i>fashionable, there’s just no excuse. Unless it’s discovered that hypothermia <i>grows </i>brain cells instead of killing them, this is yet another sign that the intellectual apocalypse is nigh. </span><br />
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<span class="s1">2.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> <b>On The Toes</b>. I have a very simple rule when it comes to mens feet: the respect I have for another man is inversely proportional to the number of times I’ve seen his bare toes. I’m not sure where this comes from, and I’m not sure if this is indicia of some kind of weird phobia, but I <i>do </i>know that I’m not a fan of feet. In fact, of all the misinformation provided by the modern mens fashion industry, there is none more egregious than the idea that mens sandals (“mandals” if you will) are somehow acceptable formal (or even casual) footwear. Of course, if dignity, pride or the initial impression of others are matters of no concern to you - feel free to ignore this advice. The men who actually spend big dollars for this fashion mandals are a special kind of idiot, but more and more, I have begun to see sport sandals at the most inappropriate places. To be clear, I’m not talking about flip-flops, because that’s ground we’ve already covered (i.e. unless you’re at or near the beach/pool, you’re doing it wrong), I’m talking about straight up, one strap across the whole foot <i>shower shoes. </i>Now for the record, I have on two occasions, actually owned such footwear. Once, when I was stationed aboard a submarine and using the same shower as 10-12 other guys, for use when going to and from the facilities and also <i>while inside </i>(so as to avoid any nasty fungus-based events); and once more, when playing a lot of field sports, to avoid wearing my cleats to and from the field, in the car, etc., and not having to don/doff the associated socks. As far as I’m concerned, this <i>concludes </i>the list of acceptable places to wear this kind of shoe. You will note, this list does <i>not </i>include: the gym (while using the cardio equipment/lifting weights), the grocery store, the mall or <i>any </i>restaurant - all places where I have <i>recently </i>seen it done. Being shoeless or sockless makes you about as badass as being homeless, and really just makes you seem clueless.</span><br />
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<span class="s1">3.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><b>Stockings Hung</b>. On balance, there aren’t a whole lot of good reasons for a grown man to be wearing a hat of <i>any </i>sort these days. Aside from the few obvious exceptions: ball caps if you’re actually <i>playing </i>baseball (or at least <i>at </i>the ball park), cowboy hats if you’re an <i>actual cowboy </i>(e.g. you can ride a horse, rope a calf and fix a fence - without help from YouTube), or a helmet if you’re riding, well, just about anything; you’re really better off just going with your hair - no matter how ill-conceived it might be. The one <i>universal </i>and unqualified exception I have always made to these rules was the stocking cap for inclement weather. There’s just no reason for pride, vanity or fashion when it comes to keeping your brain, head, ears, etc. from <i>actually freezing</i>. That said, while I wasn’t paying attention, these most utilitarian head coverings appear to have gone from functional staple to hipster stupid. And while you might think it difficult to tell the difference between these two diametrically opposed uses, it’s actually a quite simple test. If you see someone adjusting their stocking cap in front of a mirror, that’s the douchey kind. Because if you’re using this device to keep your head alive, you check if it’s working by <i>walking outside</i> and <i>not</i> by making sure your hair is poking out of it just so. Seriously, if you’re getting your fashion ideas from Fat Albert re-runs, what do we really have to lose if your head freezes?</span><br />
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<span class="s1">Look, I <i>want </i>to stop writing about this. I really do. Much in the same way that cancer researchers would <i>love </i>to stop their efforts, food banks would enjoy not having to stockpile provisions, and police would appreciate not having to investigate violent crimes - because in <i>each </i>of those circumstances, we would have solved an <i>epidemic</i>. The replacement of the traditional American male with the douche is not just about visual pollution, having to keep an even <i>closer </i>eye on the modern teenage <i>female</i>, or inexplicable bravado of youth. It’s about the displacement of the most revered male archetype the world has ever known with a hastily thrown together and abortive amalgamation of Chris Angel, Levi Johnston and all the male cast members from the Jersey Shore. By failing to guide the twenty first century <i>young </i>man, we’ve unwittingly created a facile and feckless twenty first century <i>man</i>. But it may not yet be too late. As while I’ve often said you can’t save the world with what you wear, it turns out that you might just be able save it with what you <i>don’t</i>.</span></div>Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2538303186554500986.post-42775728418297769352012-04-07T11:34:00.001-07:002012-04-08T12:22:03.495-07:003 Dressing Do's<br />
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<span class="s1">Over the past three years, I have offered all measure of fashion criticisms. From the subtle to the ravingly overt, if nothing else, THREE THINGS has provided an intricate road map of what not to wear. As society has all but eliminated even the slightest bit of personal shame, I have endured a visual onslaught of the unimaginably poorly dressed at sometimes so disgusting as to literally eliminate my appetite. But for all this identification, and foolish attempts to inspire consideration by way of pointing out the obvious, I have offered little, if any, in the way of constructive suggestion. After all, what good is a critic if he can’t provide at least a modicum of solution to the problems he identifies? Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t the slightest idea of how to remedy the deep-seated and systemic social issues which have <i>gotten </i>us to a place where it’s a acceptable for men to wear skinny jeans, for women to poorly-knit ponchos or for anyone to wear their sunglasses inside <i>at night</i>, but I <i>do </i>know a few things that you can wear and not look like an asshat. That’s right, after a three decades of dressing myself, and usually not doing it well, I have learned a few things (mostly thanks to patient advice of the women in my life) about what to wear. And so, in the interests of pointing out a few solutions to the countless problems I have ranted about, here are <b>3 things to wear to keep everyone from laughing at you</b>:</span><br />
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<span class="s1">1.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><b>The Plain White Tees</b>. Men’s fashion has a love-hate relationship with the gay community. On one hand, they have delivered a <i>profoundly </i>greater level of personal grooming to their straight counterparts, and more than a few style ideas that keep us all from dressing like we did in the seventh grade. On the other hand, they have also misled a number of otherwise well-intended fashion convertees into androgynous fashion disasters (not <i>everyone </i>looks good with a pocket square). On balance, though, the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy phenomenon has been a good thing for us. At the pinnacle of this mountain of gay contribution to the straight community is the v-neck t-shirt as a fashion staple. Now I <i>know </i>that this has already been taken too far by some. The <i>deep </i>v-neck is an ill-advised an idea for your average man as as a Speedo swimsuit. But, your standard v-neck t-shirt is about thing to happen to the male torso since the t-shirt itself. If there is a universal panacea to the screen-printed apocalypse that is Affliction (and similarly douchey brands of skulls, crosses, crowns, swords, etc.) it is the plain v-neck shirt. And by plain, I mean <i>plain</i>. All the <i>same </i>color. No printing, no fancy stitching, and for God’s sake, the <i>right size</i>. I first discovered this beautifully simple solution while observing the <i>actually </i>successful crowd in LA (as opposed to the wanna-be/poser crowd). It’s brilliant, understated, masculine and simple. If you know someone who can’t stop wearing 80 dollar shirts that look like the art project of an 8th grade boy who watches too much TV, do them a favor, burn their shirts and leave them with a 3-pack of Calving Klein V-necks. It’ll be the best twenty bucks you ever spend (and it counts as your wedding gift if this finally lands them a girl who doesn’t think<a href="http://trulove4all.blogspot.com/2009/08/anything-you-can-douche-i-can-douche.html" target="_blank"> </a><i>Twilight </i>is “literature”)</span><br />
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<span class="s1">2.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><b>Up to the Chuck</b>. If there’s one area of fashion where men are almost <i>permanently </i>doomed to being behind their female counterparts, it’s in footwear. Women know shoes like a native language - a way they learned to communicate that predated their ability to speak. And men? We treat shoes like our car keys - something we grab at the last second while heading out the door - and only because we have to. Men have a hard time even matching their shoes to their particular utility. Because if this <i>isn’t </i>the case, then there are a <i>lot </i>more people heading off to a skateboarding session than you can tell from watching the local skate parks. Seriously, skateboard shoes are the footwear equivalent of Underoos - and yet, I see them on grown men <i>daily</i>. But I get it, dress shoes are about as comfortable as a healthy punch to the groin, and even less cool. The brands that attempt to create a hybrid (Sketchers, Aldo, Clarks) end up making you look like that asshole that used to work at Chess King in the mall, and (hopefully) you feel ridiculous in flip-flops. So what to do? Look to the 1930’s. The Chuck Taylor All-Star is the most universally acceptable shoe since they started making them. They come in literally <i>thousands </i>of varieties, and they are, at once, grown-up without being <i>too </i>grown up, stylish without being <i>too </i>stylish, and comfortable without being, well, Crocs. They also cost less than $40, so you can own more than one pair without being <i>that </i>guy. Wanna know something you’ll never hear? “Hey look at that guy’s Chucks, what an ass.” If there’s another kind of shoe you can say that about, I’d like to hear it. </span><br />
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<span class="s1">3.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><b>A Great Pair</b>. There was a time when jeans for men was a simpler concept, and my theory is that this was due in large part to the fact that it was <i>very </i>difficult to screw this up. Jeans came in pretty much one style, a handful of colors and the sizing was relatively simple. In fact, the <i>worst </i>thing we ever did with our jeans was to “peg” them against our ankles, in a suburban homage to the hip hop artists of our time. But while we weren’t paying attention jeans got <i>completely </i>out of control. They actually developed different “cuts” for men. Of course, if you’re looking for the ones we used to just call “jeans”, those are now listed under “straight leg”; but now there are also “bootcut” (your girlfriends jeans in your size); “relaxed fit” (previously listed under “husky”); “skinny” (heaven help you if you think <i>this </i>is a good idea) and “slim fit” (listed as - no joke - “for those who want the hipster style of skinny jeans but don't make the cut weight-wise”; if this is you <i>please </i>stop reading now). Here’s what you need: <i>one great pair of jeans</i>. If you’re doing well and have the coin, maybe <i>two</i>. They’re straight leg. The following things on your jeans are considered an abject failure (and in a world where I was king would result in an immediate rake-slapping): rhinestones, studs, pre-cut holes, flaps on <i>any </i>pocket, embroidery that spells anything or makes a picture and decorative buttons/snaps. You’re going to spend over a hundred bucks - just suck it up - after all, you’re only going to have to do this once a year or so. You’re going to make sure they <i>fit</i> - and by fit, I mean, it doesn’t look like you’ve crapped your pants but I also shouldn’t be able to reliably opine on your genital grooming from a glance below your waist. You’re going to get them hemmed <i>by a professional </i>and you’re going to take good care of them. With these simple steps, you’ll find they spend a lot more time crumpled up on the floor in the company of their female counterparts than just protecting your couch from your ass. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">I know what you’re thinking: these tips won’t work for everyone. What about young guys? What about older guys? And to this I would say: maybe you’re right. After all, I can’t say that I didn’t violate </span><i style="text-align: justify;">all </i><span style="text-align: justify;">of these rules/suggestions during my second decade, and my own retirement may bring on a fashion malaise so profound that I abandon wearing pants altogether. But (as you might expect) I would ask that you remember three things: first, if </span><i style="text-align: justify;">any </i><span style="text-align: justify;">of my readers are gentlemen in their 20’s, they’re certainly </span><i style="text-align: justify;">well </i><span style="text-align: justify;">ahead of their peer group intellectually (as my work rarely includes lingerie photos, fart jokes or nut-shot videos) so they’re probably up for dressing ahead; second, the only guy in his 60’s that reads my stuff is my dad, and he </span><i style="text-align: justify;">taught </i><span style="text-align: justify;">me all this stuff; and third, I’m not sure the world wouldn’t be a whole lot better place if men acted a little more like </span><i style="text-align: justify;">men</i><span style="text-align: justify;"> and I’m not sure I’d mind if that started with dressing the part. </span></div>Glennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019672085936530855noreply@blogger.com3