3 Facial Scares

I’m not a fan of facial hair. I’m not sure if it was my ten years in the Navy, my early childhood spent in the universally bad-hair 70’s, or simply my overexposure to “true crime” television programming, but in any case, I’ve always seen hairy faces as the hygienic equivalent of failing to wash your hands after going to the bathroom, and a reliable means for identifying the least desirable elements of society. Sure, there are plenty of exceptions to this rule, as I have plenty of good friends with facial hair who are neither felons, freaks or otherwise foul-smelling. But a quick visual survey of those unsavory types indicates a nearly universal predilection towards failing to shave completely or regularly. Sure it doesn’t make you a pedophile to drive around in a windowless van - but you can’t blame folks for being suspicious, right? It simply seems to me, that in a era where hair removal technology has advanced to the point of lasers, permanence and razors with a half-dozen blades each, ignoring these advances is like eschewing the modern kitchen and simply cooking over a wood fire in hastily dug pit in your backyard. In any case, facial hair can be an obvious warning sign of personalities you’d be better off avoiding. So after careful study of the worst types of unshaven faces and the people they’re attached to, here are the three facial hairstyles to stay the hell away from:

1. Domestic Violence Goatee. The amount of effort required to actually put a goatee together almost screams out with the sort of fastidiousness that will boil into a violent rage if the towels aren’t folded just right. If a guy is spending this much time on his beard and not shaving it off, something else has got to give. It might simply be the balance of his hygiene, but it’s far more likely to be the amount of time he should be devoting to exercise, nutrition or personal intellectual enrichment. Seriously, anyone spending an appreciable amount of time carefully crafting a ring of hair around their mouth has obviously lost some perspective. You know, the kind that keeps one from thinking that slapping around their girlfriend is a demonstration of affection? Be honest, when you’re watching COPS and you see a domestic violence call, you’d be absolutely shocked if the offending male wasn’t using a bad goatee to hide a weak chin (which his ill-fitting t-shirt is giving away anyways). The only better indicia you’ll find of a guy who wishes gender roles were the same way they were fifty years ago (i.e. get back into the kitchen, dammit) would be the Mad Men DVD Box Set proudly displayed on a guy’s mantle. Look, unless you’re a magician and over the age of 40 you’ve got more business wearing a pink tutu than a goatee.

2. Jihad Shadow. Despite what the “tea party” would have you believe, it’s nearly impossible to profile a terrorist these days. Of course, if you do believe them, you can camp outside your neighborhood mosque (you might already be there picketing) and watch them walk out in droves. But in reality, they come in all shapes, sizes and colors. The one thing they do appear to have in common, however, is a penchant for avoiding daily shaving. Listen, it hasn’t been cool to let all the hair on your face grow our for a couple of days since George Michael and Don Johnson were doing it, and even then it was suspect. I don’t want to hear about how it’s a cultural thing - what it definitely is, is nasty. It would be cleaner to simply rub dirt on your face than let the greasy mess that aspires to someday be a Domestic Violence Goatee linger on your cheeks. Nothing this side of a neck-tattoo says “I have a job that requires a name-tag” quite like the non-shave. I have it on pretty good authority that the Jihad Shadow is actually intended to be a display of masculinity. Well, the only thing less masculine that a guy can have on his face than this style-by-omission would be make-up. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the best thing to do with the time you’re saving by keeping your razor dry. That way, you can be the prettiest terrorist around.

3. Date Rape Soul Patch. If you’re the kind of guy who thinks that growing only the hair under your lip is going to drive the ladies wild, it’s no stretch to think you’re also the kind of guy who thinks a girl in a short skirt is “just asking for it.” Come on, there hasn’t been this pathetic of an attempt at manliness since chirping the tires of your Honda Accord at the stoplight in front of the Dollar Store. First off, what on earth makes you think you’re even cool enough to pull off a look called a “soul patch”? You wouldn’t have soul if you had James Brown surgically attached to you, you wouldn’t know good jazz with Miles Davis sitting on your lap, and you couldn’t be cool in a walk-in freezer. Patchy facial hair makes you look more like a Chernobyl survivor than a bad-ass. The only thing your ill-considered swatch of facial scrub could possibly be good for is distracting the random, unwary female with your impossibly bad hygienic/fashion choices while you slip a “rufie” into her drink. The perfect accessory to this abortion of a grooming decision is a two-sizes-too-small ribbed t-shirt that you think makes you look built, and that everyone else thinks makes you look like a chode. Seriously, you’d be better off just carrying around a club to hit women with before dragging them back to the cave where you decided this was an o.k. way to walk around in 2010.

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Sure, it’s a free country, and you’re allowed to wear whatever you want; on your body as well as your face. Fortunately for me, I’m similarly allowed to mock you based on those very same decisions. It’s possible that you might not be a wife-beater, a terrorist or a date rapist, but why not play the odds? You’re allowed to wear Ed Hardy shirts if you want to, and I’m allowed to know that you’re a douche. You’re allowed to wear Crocs, and I’m allowed to assume you’ve given up on life. You’re allowed to have your hair cut into a faux-hawk, and I’m allowed to question your sexuality. As the old saying goes, just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. The point is, if you don’t want people to make assumptions about you and your life, you have two choices: you can protest against prejudice, campaigning for all of us to get to know one another before passing judgment, or you can just stop dressing the part. Want to be manly? Build a shed, change a tire or lift something heavy, and while you’re at it, find a razor and shave your damned face.