Latest 3 Things

Monday, June 12, 2017

43 Things

So… 43.  It’s time for the eighth annual installment of recording the lessons I’ve learned over the previous year and there were no shortage of “learning experiences” to draw from – so this should go quickly.  Mostly, I’m happy to still be learning lessons at all.  My expectations for middle age cognitive ability have been greatly exceeded – I guess I was wrong about adults when I was younger.  That’s really the most surprising part of 43 – my mind doesn’t feel old; like at all.  A few of my tastes have matured, but I still have lived the majority of my adult life trying to avoid any similarity with a Dockers commercial.  Now my body, that’s a whole ‘nother chicken, as I like to say.  My essential systems have been have been breaking like Trump news on CNN: constantly and with no good explanation.  But thankfully, I still know the capital of Djibouti (it’s Djibouti) and I’m still prone to laughing to keep from crying – so despite the ever-pending disability, here are 43 things I’ve learned:

1.     Age is just a number, but old is not just a word.  It’s real. 
2.     If I would have known how little the adults in charge of me knew back then, I would have been a lot more scared.
3.     I love driving my car, but I hate driving – because people ruin everything.  Except board games. 
4.     I used to think I’d outgrow country dancing.  Nope.
5.     It took me finally embracing my atheism to understand why religion is so important to people – and what it gives them.  For all of you, atheism gives me the same thing.
6.     A good job requires taking on daily challenges; a great job requires doing it with a team of amazing people.
7.     In a world of constant exhibition, candid moments are the most valuable currency.
8.     You can reliably measure your age with the amount you’re willing to spend on concert tickets. 
9.     Three reasons to avoid an otherwise great nightclub: All. Ages. Night.
10.  Family is everything. 
11.  Not everyone’s family is made of blood relatives.  But, still - See #10.
12.  Why am I such a geek?  Recent technology has allowed me to neither step foot in a Walmart or ride in a taxicab in the last two years.  #Winning  
13.  The two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 43: “want kids.”
14.  You can definitely be too good at some things – like taking selfies… or Tinder. 
15.  If you see me in a nightclub on the Strip and I’m not with a client or family, call security, because I’ve been kidnapped. 
16.  Dating gets exponentially weirder the longer you do it.
17.  Intellectual snobbery is bad.  Ignorance snobbery is much, much worse.
18.  Every man owes himself a custom suit.
19.  For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to be an American.  I’m finding my way back watching people respond to the same feeling.
20.  Back rubs are getting so important to me, I might start trolling massage schools for marriage prospects. 
21.  It always pays to be nice.  At first.
22.  We need a method of resolving disputes somewhere between fist fights and litigation.  Maybe it involves slapping.
23.  Parents of noisy children shouldn’t be chastised unless their kids are old enough to understand what “Shut the *&# up” means. 
24.  You don’t “have style”, you “have a style” – if you don’t know the difference, neither applies to you.
25.  The most important part of sexy is confidence.  The most important part of love is vulnerability. 
26.  It’s terrible to know something before you want to know it.  But you can’t un-know things.
27.  It’s not that there are world leaders that are younger than I am that makes me feel old, it’s that I’m happy about it.
28.  The cost-benefit analysis of very spicy food has finally been finally resolved in the “don’t do it” position.
29.  Butt implants are never ok.
30.  There is no greater accomplishment than to motivate someone.
31.  Three foolproof ways to tell how old a woman is: her hands, her neck and her willingness to order wine anywhere.
32.  A high EQ is far more valuable than a high IQ – and we should teach children with that in mind. 
33.  I don’t know what the age is where you stop wanting to try new things – but I know it’s not 43.
34.  Honorifics are important and should be used liberally – especially “Coach”, “Doctor” and “Captain”.
35.  The most important members of your team are the ones who are nothing like you.
36.  No matter how bad it gets, there is no excuse for not caring what goes on in the world around you.
37.  We all deserve better representatives in government. 
38.  Honesty is not always the best policy.  Unless you’re under oath – then it totally is.
39.  The only wrong direction to go in is in no direction at all.  Turning (even around) is easier than starting. 
40.  Take time to talk to kids.  The pivotal moments in your young life were likely not nearly as important to the adults involved as they were to you. 
41.  If you’re on a date, order dessert.  Every time.  Life’s too short not to get the damned cake.
42.  Fail constantly.  Nothing great comes from staying comfortable and not taking chances.
43.  The only way to guarantee your legacy is to write it yourself.

So, that’s another chapter in mine.  Thank you all for sticking around; laughing and crying with me.  Here’s to a great 43 and a year of lessons to tell you about next summer.