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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

36 Things...

For those of you that don’t know, your intrepid reporter turned a very young thirty six this past weekend, and as I’m known to do, I’m taking the occasion to memorialize the event in writing. Previously, I’ve set down observations on what each age is like - as a warning to those younger and as a opportunity to reminisce for those a few years ahead. But this year I’ve realized that there a great many things that I have learned in the intervening three and one half decades (give or take a year) - some the easy way, and most the hard way, but all valuable lessons nonetheless. So, THREE THINGS is expanding for just one week - for a little bit longer of a journey which I hope you’ll join me on - so that I can bring to you 36 Things I’ve Learned in 36 Years:

  1. It’s not all about you. No, seriously, it’s not.
  2. In 2010, there is never a good reason to drive a Trans-Am. Prior to 2010, there was only one good reason, and since you’re not Smokey and/or the Bandit, it doesn’t apply to you.
  3. I don’t know what the official costume of apathy is, but I know that Crocs are the shoes involved.
  4. A good haircut is worth the money.
  5. It’s o.k. to not care what anyone thinks, it’s not o.k. to not care what everyone thinks.
  6. The youngest generation is the least prepared in the history of society, and it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
  7. Deep down, all organized religions require belief in at least one completely absurd thing.
  8. Just because a story didn’t really happen doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have value - Aesop knew this... or did you really think that he observed a rabbit and a turtle in a foot-race?
  9. For men, there is a time and place to wear white tube socks and sneakers, the time is when you’re exercising and the place is the gym.
  10. We don’t appreciate the military enough.
  11. There is no such thing as gender equality, and there never will be.
  12. The clothes don’t make the man, the man does. This is equally true for Armani suits and “TapOut” t-shirts.
  13. The clothes can, however, break the man.
  14. You’re not pulling off that facial hair as well as you think.
  15. Ladies, men are like a Rubik’s cube with only one color, if you can’t figure us out, you’re just not trying.
  16. The only jewelry a man should wear is one ring (class, wedding, championship, etc.) and a watch. Unless you’re Flava-Flav, whatever you’ve got around your neck makes you look ridiculous - actually, that’s also true if you’re Flava- Flav.
  17. Reading any of the Twilight books is worse for your brain than not reading at all. Stephanie Meyer is “saving” literacy like Justin Bieber is “saving” music.
  18. Everything for sale at nightclub is overpriced. Additionally, everything you see at a nightclub is for sale.
  19. The amount of money one spends on making one’s car “louder” is inversely proportional to their value to society.
  20. Music will never be as much fun as it was in the 80’s. Nor will movies. That being said, nothing else from that decade should be salvaged or remembered fondly (especially the clothing and hairstyles).
  21. No one under the age of 20 has any “insight” to offer on anything.
  22. The work you do for the people who work for you is infinitely more important than the work you do for the people you work for.
  23. Los Angeles is a city designed to make you feel like you’re not cool enough; San Francisco is a city designed to make you feel not unique enough. Both are wrong; you’re better off in Fresno.
  24. High school never ends.
  25. The douchebag era is not over, in fact, it’s still very much in full swing. Don’t believe me? Check out the crowd at the next Mixed Martial Arts event.
  26. The greatest tragedy of modern technology is not that it’s failed to bring us closer together, it’s that we’ve finally put the whole of the world’s knowledge literally at our fingertips, and we use it to watch porn and lo-res nut-shot videos. The second greatest is Microsoft.
  27. Smiling almost always makes it better (unless you’re underwater - then stick with grinning).
  28. No matter what they tell you, vegetarians are truly missing out... and they know it.
  29. It is easier to explain quantum physics than the fame of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. And, as it turns out, much less depressing.
  30. The greatest threat to our survival as a society is not Fox News, Oprah or special interest groups (although all good candidates), it’s bad parents.
  31. (A blast from the past) To my mind, the only true happiness is in the connections, and the unearthing of like minds and commiserating souls. There is only true happiness in love, empathy, sacrifice, in the grace of unselfish generosity, and in forgiveness.
  32. Most people are dumber than you think - don't worry, they’re also the ones that can’t read this far down anything that isn’t a menu.
  33. There are precious few truly blissful things remaining in this world, and country dancing is one of them.
  34. At 36, the two least attractive words you can say to a woman are “my apartment.”
  35. If you can’t be smart, be cute; and if you can’t be cute, be funny. This explains why I’m always telling jokes.

    And finally, one I keep learning over and over again:

  36. It’s never, ever too late to change.
Thanks for coming along - and I hope you learned something, confirmed something, or at least had a good laugh at my expense. It's a been a brilliant 36 years - here’s to learning at least one new thing before 37.


Anonymous said...

LOVE IT!!! I think this is your best work yet!


Anonymous said...

I think that you, at 36, know infinitely more than most people will care to know or understand. Aside from the clearly humorous things, there are some true bits of gold that hopefully everyone can take to heart and learn themselves... such as #1, #22, #26 and absolutely, #31. And please, men, heed #16 by removing the mewelry (man jewelry). Last time I checked, looking like Criss Angel has never been cool. Thanks again, Glenn, for a great blog... looking forward to next week.

Anonymous said...

# 37 should be that a 36 year old man shouldn't have such an unhealthy obsession with Justin Bieber.

Glenn said...

Yes, I realized shortly after publishing that I had double-referenced Justin Bieber in this column, but I'm not sure that qualifies as an obsession... When there is a clear and omnipresent evil in front of you - even one that only become stronger when you give it attention - is it not the moral duty of those who crusade against such malfeasance to rage against it, in whatever medium and method they can?

I think so.

Additionally, I will qualify my Mewelry rule by saying that you may be allowed an additional ring - but only if you lose the watch. That one's for you, Matty.

Anonymous said...

I had fun reading this. I disagree with #15 which says that men are as easy to figure out as a one-color Rubik’s cube. The Rubik’s cube is the fastest selling toy ever invented. According to the reviews, once somebody laid hands on the cube, it was hard to let it go. The only three things that men and the cube have in common are that they’re both rough on the edges, hard to let go and the more you play with them, the harder they get. Apart from that, the two are completely different. As opposed to men, the cube is a lot easier to solve because it only has six sides and always comes with directions. Also, you get the cube in a box - it’s new, already solved and no one has played with it before you.


VB said...

You lost me at "country dancing". Otherwise, I completely agree-and I admit, I sort of tried not to. Your speculation is consistently amusing. Happy 36th!

Glenn said...

Ah, Val... you only say that because you've never really BEEN country dancing... Trust me, one trip - and you'll be a changed woman. It single-handedly made L.A. not suck for me.

But I'm glad to make someone dedicated to the proposition of disagreeing with this into, at least partly, a commiserator.

Kristina said...

LOL This one I LOVE:

Deep down, all organized religions require belief in at least one completely absurd thing.

another favorite "The work you do for the people who work for you is infinitely more important than the work you do for the people you work for."

Denise said...

Further evidence that law school permanently altered my brain: I cannot read this list without picking apart each item and constructing logical counterarguments. So sad!

However, #s 1, 13, and 14 are not subject to debate.

uwhawkman said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Glenn!

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