45 Things

This marks the tenth time that I’ve undertaken an annual list of lessons learned.  It’s difficult to comprehend the breadth and depth of the changes and growth I’ve experienced in that time.  I can say, without hesitation, that it was the best decade, yet and I’ve learned more in this decade than I have in any of them (except the first one).  As I like to say, it’s certainly been a long and strange trip.  Importantly, this has been as much an attempt to entertain as it’s been an exercise in remembering that there is life, love and learning in the journey, as well as the destination.  The hits keep coming, but that’s where the lessons come from and if I ever do stop learning, that’s when I’ll know that I can stop keeping this list – or doing anything else for that matter.   

For those that are just joining, the links to the previous lessons are provided below; and for the rest of you – let’s get into it:

1. Family is an F-Word; it means a lot of different things to different people, so be careful how you use it in mixed company.
2. Looking back over ten years, the one thing that appears to have universally and persistently enraged me turns out to be (drum roll, please)… cheap cars with loud exhausts.  Congratulations, that’s a decade of sucking (with no signs of slowing)
3. The only thing harder to find than good friends, is good business partners.
4. Where you live involves some measure of sacrifice: either a crazy cold winter, a crazy hot summer or the only Amazon available is the river.
5. In ten years, the sound of a crying child on an airplane has gone from something that makes me hate kids to something that makes me hate parents.
6. Business is sales, everything else is derivative.
7. The reason that the “Horror” genre is dying out is that the real scary stuff is on the news.
8. After fifteen years of studying the law, the one that makes the least sense to me (out of all of them) is the tax exemption for churches.
9. Adults that believe in fairy tales are unlikely to be relied upon for much of anything.
10. Everyone is deadly serious about everything.  Seriously.
11. The most reliable voices in the modern media landscape are comedians.  How’s that for irony?
12. No great thing has even been done alone.  Not one.
13. Martyrdom is stupid. Always.
14. The most effective maneuver in any negotiation is to be nicer than anyone expects.
15. The hardest and most valuable skill I’ve ever learned is how to be genuinely happy for someone else.
16. Judging a book by its cover is only bad if you don’t consider changing your judgment after you’ve read it. 
17. We’ve already tried everyone being un¬-educated (and that led us to universally agree to try and educate everyone), so maybe we should give that a try before we decide it’s a good idea to all be idiots, again.
18. The thee best pieces of advice I’ve ever received were from a Christmas song, a Patrick Swayze movie and a Harvey Dent quote.
19. Ignorance is not a virtue. 
20. We spend all of our time trying to figure out what’s going to be the end of us – and the one suspect we’re not investigating is in the mirror.
21. All we’ve got in this life and this world is each other. 
22. Unless you’re threatening my money or my physical safety, there’s nothing to fight about… no matter what you’ve said or done.
23. Drug crime is real crime in the way that thoughts and prayers are real help.
24. Changing your mind is not “flip flopping” or being “inconsistent” – it’s called learning, and it’s worth trying out.
25. Old opinions are like old clothes in your closet, if it’s been a while since you’ve tried them on, they’re unlikely to fit you, they’re unlikely to make sense in the current context and it’s mostly just embarrassing that you still have them. 
26. My disappointment with the modern judiciary can be summarized by the fact that we let judges campaign with their photographs.
27. The problem with the youngest generation’s music, movies and media isn’t that it’s better or worse than ours, it’s how much of it you have to sift through to get to the good stuff.  There was a time when thirty television channels seemed like an embarrassment of riches. 
28. Every great story should be retold.
29. Every person that thinks the U.S. getting rid of California is a good idea lives in a state that I’d gladly get rid of before California.  You got that, Mississippi?
30. We deserved Donald Trump.  The question is whether or not we’re going to do anything to deserve better.
31. There is no greater joy than finding someone that’s your kind of weird.
32. The great reveal of mid-life is that everyone you thought had it all figured out is just as lost as you were – they just know how to put on a brave face and keep at it. 
33. There are few indicators of a person’s judgment as a reliable as a neck or face tattoo.
34. The greatest epidemic of our time isn’t opioids, it’s cowardice.
35. The tragedy of the self-esteem isn’t that we shouldn’t have been teaching every kid they’re special, it’s that we forgot to teach them that everyone else is, too.
36. The trick to mastering moderation is to only use it on the bad things.  No one ever died from being too happy.
37. If you find yourself telling anyone what to do with their genitals that either (a) didn’t result from yours or (b) doesn’t also involve yours, STOP. 
38. Privacy is the new wealth.  If you know someone that’s really wealthy, they’re probably not that wealthy. 
39. People lie about two things: the money they have, and the money they don’t.
40. Love isn’t the stuff in movies or songs or poems.  It’s the stuff between all of that and it’s so much better.
41. The older you get, the more you should celebrate.  This does not apply to birthdays.  No one cares that you’re turning 37, Carol.
42. Of all the endangered species, the one I’m most worried about is: hypocrisy as a bad thing. 
43. There are only two ways you should speak about law and government: as an expert, or not at all.
44. There is a fine line between body positivity and visual pollution.  If you don’t know where it’s at, you’ve probably crossed it. 
45. No matter what, no matter where, no matter why – before you do anything – take a breath, take a minute and take it on.

Well, that’s it kids – ten years of lessons in the books.  I had expected to stop at ten, and I might yet – but for now, I’m having too much fun to stop and I think we can all agree, there are a lot of “things” left.  See you next June!

36 Things

37 Things

38 Things

39 Things

40 Things

41 Things

42 Things

43 Things

44 Things

44 Things

So… nine years ago, the world was a different place, and I was a different man.  My career has gone from nascent to mature, and I have long since passed the point where I might be considered “promising” (and even farther past “young”).  My classmates and colleagues have gone from marking their lives with marriages and children to marking them extraordinary offices and professional accomplishments.  What middle age has taken from my joints, it has delivered back to me ten-fold in maturity, professional competence and wisdom.  And so, once again, I mark my annual trip around the sun with a list of lessons learned over the past year.  As usual, there is as much gravity as levity, because it is the balance of those two great forces that I have always aspired to – and in my better moments, achieved.  By any reasonable measure, I have certainly cleared the halfway point of this run.  After all, I have made enough bad decisions to make nine decades more of a wish than something to reasonably prepare for.  Nevertheless, the back nine is always more fun than the front, and the ride home is always delightfully (and magically) shorter than the ride out.  

So, with that in mind, sit back and enjoy, forty four lessons I’ve learned:

1. The grand omission of our parents was that despite the extraordinary betrayals visited upon us by our bodies, our minds never feel any older.
2. Average intelligence is way dumber than you think.  Reminders available daily at Wal-Mart.
3. My atheism has taught me the importance of religion to everyone else.  It doesn’t make it make any more sense, but it does help me explain mine to the faithful.
4. My hedonism has been replaced by a carefully tuned analysis of the enjoyment-to-hassle ratio of any prospective event.  This always rules out outdoor music festivals.
5. Once and for all: talking to God is faith.  God talking back is mental illness.  
6. Science tell us that you need less sleep as you get older.  Who the fuck is science talking to?
7. The worst part of modern society is that, despite how it looks, no one is kidding.
8. The best part of being forty or older is that our teenage years are not permanently memorialized in a searchable worldwide database.
9. Maturity is the moment you contemplate your next car not being faster than your current one – but you do search the word “heated seats” on the dealer’s website.  
10. There is nothing more cowardly than ad hominem attacks anywhere but directly in front of who you’re insulting.  
11. I stopped watching scary movies, because they don’t scare me.  That’s what CNN is for.
12. No matter how much I learn every year, the thought of all the things I’ll die not knowing is profoundly depressing.  But it does chase me back to Amazon, every time, to buy a book.
13. If I had my smartphone in one hand and the balance of my physical possessions in the other, and could only save one… man, I’m gonna miss some of those suits.
14. Of all the evils I’ve studied, by far the most baffling and terrifying is anti-intellectualism.
15. Looking back, the vast majority of my professional and academic decisions have been made in the pursuit of avoiding interacting with dumb people – and it’s been a dramatic failure.
16. The Internet has concurrently invested people with the notion that they can do law and medicine on their own, but that it makes perfect sense for someone to do your grocery shopping for you.
17. In all candor, I simply do not understand the butt implant thing.  Not even a little.
18. Of all my delights, schadenfreude is the one of which I am most ashamed as well as the one I have the least control over.   
19. My father’s generation got to watch their pants get looser and looser as they got older. At this rate, I’ll be doing squats into my 70s just to wear an up-to-date suit.  
20. If I have to go back to my tailor one more time to “taper” my dress pants, they’ll officially be leggings.
21. Unless you’re in the military or a professional athlete, your hat looks ridiculous.  
22. Family is vital for life.  However, family and consanguinity are wholly different things.  
23. Privacy is the new wealth.  
24. Conspiracy theories are for idiots.  Yes, all of them.
25. Routine and habit are the fast-forward buttons of life.  I swear I was 37, like, 2 years ago.
26. It’s better to move in the wrong direction than not to move at all.  This is especially true if you’re in front of me in traffic.
27. Everyone who claims there is no such thing as an objective truth is trying to sell you a lie.  Everyone.
28. The cost-benefit analysis of fast food consumption can only produce a favorable result if you exclude the gastrointestinal costs.  
29. What corporate America knows about my generation: repackage our favorite childhood things, and we will buy them again.  Right, Star Wars, Karate Kid, Top Gun, Transformers, etc.?
30. Having friends is overrated, having a best friend is underrated.
31. What millennials are doing to our language is like payback for what our generations did to their planet, government, schools system, etc. … so, fair enough, bae.  
32. There is not a more ironic phrase than “Facebook is for old people.” Go ahead… try.  
33. We are all fantastically more gullible than we think.  No, seriously, we are.  
34. No one reads the things they sign themselves.  I’ve been a contracts lawyer for 13 years, and I pay someone else to read the ones I’m signing.
35. Collaboration is the new innovation.  No great advancement will ever come from an “individual” again.  Forget your solo act.  Find a band.
36. Even after all my education and (attempted) sophistication, I still truly believe the world would be a better place if there more fistfights.  
37. Texas is a great place.  However, Texas public schools, and their curriculum is most insidious and terrible thing I’ve ever even heard of – and I watch documentaries for fun.
38. Our vanities will certainly be the end of us.  But, damn, we look good sometimes.  
39. You can keep your fitness forever, but at a certain point, if you lose it – it’s gone for good.  Keep moving.
40. The world’s most valuable skill is sales.  Everything else is derivative.
41. Being famous must really be amazing.  Even with all the terrible ways in which celebrities die, no one is deterred.  No one.
42. Boy, that Bieber kid really grew into a full-sized asshole, huh?
43. Selling one’s soul has turned out to be far more common and pay much better (or worse, depending on your superstition) than we expected, right?
44. A life not shared is a life not lived.  Solitude is easy and cowardly.  Open your heart, and you never know who will wander in.  

See you for 45, kids.

43 Things

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So… 43.  It’s time for the eighth annual installment of recording the lessons I’ve learned over the previous year and there were no shortage of “learning experiences” to draw from – so this should go quickly.  Mostly, I’m happy to still be learning lessons at all.  My expectations for middle age cognitive ability have been greatly exceeded – I guess I was wrong about adults when I was younger.  That’s really the most surprising part of 43 – my mind doesn’t feel old; like at all.  A few of my tastes have matured, but I still have lived the majority of my adult life trying to avoid any similarity with a Dockers commercial.  Now my body, that’s a whole ‘nother chicken, as I like to say.  My essential systems have been have been breaking like Trump news on CNN: constantly and with no good explanation.  But thankfully, I still know the capital of Djibouti (it’s Djibouti) and I’m still prone to laughing to keep from crying – so despite the ever-pending disability, here are 43 things I’ve learned:

1.     Age is just a number, but old is not just a word.  It’s real. 

2.     If I would have known how little the adults in charge of me knew back then, I would have been a lot more scared.

3.     I love driving my car, but I hate driving – because people ruin everything.  Except board games. 

4.     I used to think I’d outgrow country dancing.  Nope.

5.     It took me finally embracing my atheism to understand why religion is so important to people – and what it gives them.  For all of you, atheism gives me the same thing.

6.     A good job requires taking on daily challenges; a great job requires doing it with a team of amazing people.

7.     In a world of constant exhibition, candid moments are the most valuable currency.

8.     You can reliably measure your age with the amount you’re willing to spend on concert tickets. 

9.     Three reasons to avoid an otherwise great nightclub: All. Ages. Night.

10.  Family is everything. 

11.  Not everyone’s family is made of blood relatives.  But, still - See #10.

12.  Why am I such a geek?  Recent technology has allowed me to neither step foot in a Walmart or ride in a taxicab in the last two years.  #Winning  

13.  The two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 43: “want kids.”

14.  You can definitely be too good at some things – like taking selfies… or Tinder. 

15.  If you see me in a nightclub on the Strip and I’m not with a client or family, call security, because I’ve been kidnapped. 

16.  Dating gets exponentially weirder the longer you do it.

17.  Intellectual snobbery is bad.  Ignorance snobbery is much, much worse.

18.  Every man owes himself a custom suit.

19.  For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed to be an American.  I’m finding my way back watching people respond to the same feeling.

20.  Back rubs are getting so important to me, I might start trolling massage schools for marriage prospects. 

21.  It always pays to be nice.  At first.

22.  We need a method of resolving disputes somewhere between fist fights and litigation.  Maybe it involves slapping.

23.  Parents of noisy children shouldn’t be chastised unless their kids are old enough to understand what “Shut the *&# up” means. 

24.  You don’t “have style”, you “have a style” – if you don’t know the difference, neither applies to you.

25.  The most important part of sexy is confidence.  The most important part of love is vulnerability. 

26.  It’s terrible to know something before you want to know it.  But you can’t un-know things.

27.  It’s not that there are world leaders that are younger than I am that makes me feel old, it’s that I’m happy about it.

28.  The cost-benefit analysis of very spicy food has finally been finally resolved in the “don’t do it” position.

29.  Butt implants are never ok.

30.  There is no greater accomplishment than to motivate someone.

31.  Three foolproof ways to tell how old a woman is: her hands, her neck and her willingness to order wine anywhere.

32.  A high EQ is far more valuable than a high IQ – and we should teach children with that in mind. 

33.  I don’t know what the age is where you stop wanting to try new things – but I know it’s not 43.

34.  Honorifics are important and should be used liberally – especially “Coach”, “Doctor” and “Captain”.

35.  The most important members of your team are the ones who are nothing like you.

36.  No matter how bad it gets, there is no excuse for not caring what goes on in the world around you.

37.  We all deserve better representatives in government. 

38.  Honesty is not always the best policy.  Unless you’re under oath – then it totally is.

39.  The only wrong direction to go in is in no direction at all.  Turning (even around) is easier than starting. 

40.  Take time to talk to kids.  The pivotal moments in your young life were likely not nearly as important to the adults involved as they were to you. 

41.  If you’re on a date, order dessert.  Every time.  Life’s too short not to get the damned cake.

42.  Fail constantly.  Nothing great comes from staying comfortable and not taking chances.

43.  The only way to guarantee your legacy is to write it yourself.

So, that’s another chapter in mine.  Thank you all for sticking around; laughing and crying with me.  Here’s to a great 43 and a year of lessons to tell you about next summer.

Sixteen Things I Learned in 2016

By most measures, it’s been a shitbox of a year.  I know, I know – that’s popular sentiment and there were plenty of good things that happened this year, and you’re right – a preponderance of dead celebrities does not a disaster make.  But let’s be honest, for every good thing you can think of, you can think of a dozen terrible things.  We are a country divided – and there is a pending dread that’s simply hard to shake.  That’s why New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday.  Despite the mind-numblingly intense schmaltz that is New Years in Las Vegas, there is simply no other holiday which generates greater optimism than the start of the new year.  Every culture and every place celebrates the new year – even if not at the same time or even on the same day.  We mark our own lives by celestial trips around the sun and regardless of how arbitrary it may be in the cosmic sense of things, we take this opportunity to do two very important things: reflect and hope.  It is in the spirit of those things that I’d like to avoid simply listing past catastrophes and, rather, take stock of the sixteen most important things I learned this year:

1.    A high EQ is dramatically more valuable than a high IQ.  However, having too little of either will usually spell disaster.

2.     No one reads enough.

3.   If we’re going to universally get rid of shaming, we should first figure out some way to incentivize people to stop being stupid.

4.     It’s always about the relationships.

5.    Fighting, whether in business, your personal life or in general, is a terrible idea and almost always solves nothing.

6.   That said, there are some people whose only hope for redemption is a good ass-whuppin’ (and tragically, they are usually highly unlikely to receive it).

7.   Karma is bullshit.  Evil people keep getting away with evil and good people keep getting stomped.  There is no cosmic ledger that’s balancing.  Make your own "karma."

8.   People care as little about my atheism as I do about their religion.  But if they’re going to recruit – so am I. 

9.     Fortune favors the well-prepared.  Always.

10.  Forgiveness is our greatest capacity as humans – and we don’t use it enough.

11.  It’s better to be with no one than the wrong one.

12.  I can’t decide which two words are more frightening “post truth” or “fake news” – I think I’ll just go with “President Trump.”

13.  There is absolutely no virtue in a lack of education.  None.  That said, there is also no shame in it.

14.  No matter what your preferences, the two universally sexy things are confidence and fitness.  Everything else is subjective.

15.  Plenty of things are worth getting angry over, but precious few of them are worth staying angry over.  Three very important words:  Let.  It.  Go.

16.  Life is tragically short.  Time is our only real commodity.  What and who you spend it on is your only real opinion.  So, keep an eye on the clock tonight… and spend wisely in 2017.

Happy New Year, Everyone.    

25 Things; A Note to My 17 Year Old Self.

Dear Glenn,

My how the years have gone.  To be honest, as long as a quarter century seems, seventeen seems like much longer ago than a simple two and a half decades.  In that time, you went from a geek to well, good-looking geek, and from an unsure and late-blooming adolescent to a Naval Academy graduate, submariner, Stanford lawyer and the owner of a great law firm – oh and you’re also living in Las Vegas.  Yes, seriously.  But here’s the thing: it wasn’t easy.  In fact, it was nearly unbearable.  You and I both know that despite our hard candy shell, we can get pretty worked up about stuff – and boy, did we.  Now, I’m not so naïve to think that it all would have ended up the same had it not been difficult.  After all, we know that it takes iron to make steel – but, I’ve also spent a lot of days looking back and wishing we had done a few things differently. 

Interestingly, for the past seven years, we’ve been writing down the lessons we’ve learned; mostly as catharsis (by the way, our vocabulary has gotten fantastic), and a little bit of laughing to keep from crying, but also as a way of communicating, connecting and entertaining the precious few people you’ve gotten close with.  But, this is a new tradition, a letter looking 25 years back, to you, because as good as things got, and a few regrets as we have, I’d love for you to know a few things:

1.     Start writing earlier.  Turns out you do have something to say, and people are really going to love it.

2.     Stop writing poetry.  Immediately.  It’s awful, and you’d rather people find a picture of you naked (at this age) than any poems you wrote.

3.     You’re an atheist, and you’ve known it (already) for more than five years.  It’s ok, be brave and tell people.  Waiting twenty more years to stop “fake praying” isn’t being kind or considerate, it’s being cowardly.

4.     No one hates you.  No one even dislikes you as much as you think.  Being popular is overrated – be awesome, it lasts much longer.

5.     Stop dancing in private (i.e. the basement) – and get to the dance floor.  You’re going to be great at it, and just because one kid shoved you at a school dance doesn’t mean you don’t belong out there.  That kid amounted, literally, to nothing.  You’ve won more dance contests and danced with more pretty girls than you’ll ever be able to count. 

6.     You’ll forgive almost every bully from Centaurus.  Except James Richmond – because fuck that guy. 

7.     While we’re at it, go take a swing at James.  He’s not as tough as he seems, and believe me, he won’t be expecting it. 

8.     Go back to soccer.  You’ll regret not getting a Varsity letter, even if it took you all four years.

9.     Join the Math Club earlier.  Who cares if it’s lame?  Math is going to save your life.  Trust me.

10.  Brush and floss.  You’re going to invest in braces (because Mom & Dad couldn’t afford them), and it’s going to be great, but root canals and crown suck.

11.  Stop fighting with your mom.  No, it doesn’t get any better with the two of you, but it’s not worth fighting over.  You’re going to skip her funeral. 

12.  Be nicer to your little sister.  She’ll be the only real family you have.  She turns out to be your biggest fan and the only person you can count on when everything else goes to hell.

13.  Also, stop creeping on her friends (you’ve got no shot) and ask for advice on what to wear, how to cut your hair and how to dance.  She’s way ahead of you on all of these.

14.  Ask someone to the prom.  No, Jennifer Rizzuto isn’t even a possibility, and you’re not going to go with a cheerleader.  But, there are plenty of girls who would love to be your date, and you’ll always regret skipping it. 

15.  Charles is a better guy than you can possibly imagine.  Stay closer to him – he’s got more figured out than you think.  (Yes, his family is exactly as awesome as they seem)

16.  Stop praying to be “average” – we both know that wouldn’t make you happy.  Keep dreaming big; it all comes around.      

17.  Try out for football.  You won’t make the team, and you’ll get destroyed, but once you get into shape (and trust me, we do) you’ll wish you put the pads on, at least once.

18.  Apologize to Katey; you were being an ass.  She stays beautiful (25 years and counting) and brilliant; and you like her more than you want to admit.  Ask her out, already.

19.  Kiss Hope at Math Day.

20.  Don’t tutor cheerleaders with math homework – you’re right, they are using you. 

21.  Hug your dad more.  Turns out he was right about almost everything, and when he says he’s proud of you, he means it.

22.  You will never have better spaghetti than you have at The Blue Parrot.  Ever.

23.  Don’t run for Student Council.  You get killed, it’s embarrassing and you’ll have another shot at law school (which you’ll win).

24.  Stop looking for a place to “fit in” – we never find one, and that’s exactly how it should be.

25.  Your life is tremendous, so stop thinking about ending it.  You’ll get close a few more times, but you’ll always have someone close to you remind you that people love and care for you and that despite the setbacks, you’re going to do great things.

That’s it for now, young man.  It’s going to be a big year, so get back to work – and when you think about driving Terry to Taco Bell to pick up a quick snack during lunch, maybe skip that trip.

                                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                                                    42-year-old Glenn

PS – Tell your dad to invest in Apple stock.       

42 Things

So…here, we are, on the occasion of forty-two years of sunrises, sunsets, summer and smiles.  This year’s installment marks seven years of keeping track of lessons learned and remembering to laugh, if for no other reason than to save from crying.  Forty-two isn’t a particular sexy number, which seems oddly apropos, because it’s certainly not a particularly sexy age.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m aging with all the style and grace of a Fail Army video, but still, it’s a fight that no one has ever won – Mother Nature and Father Time are still undefeated.  The best you can hope for is to take the fight into extra innings, and you can rest assured, I will absolutely ride this train until the wheels fall off (and even then, I’ll find a decent orthopedist to sew them back on).  In the meantime, there are plenty of lessons to be learned, and if these lists are nothing more, they are a reminder of my lifelong commitment to keep learning, and to remember that no matter how much I do manage to pack into this mind and body, there will always be a great deal more that I missed than that I actually got to do, be, understand, experience or know.  And so, with that in mind, and certainly having exhausted your appetite for self-indulgent introductions, here are 42 Things That I’ve Learned:

1.     There are more years between now and 65 than there are between 21 and now… And thinking back to how far I’ve come since 21, I’ve got plenty of time left.

2.     The Venn diagram of things that look good versus things that are good has a whole lot less overlap than I used to think.

3.     Everyone’s online life is a lie.  The beauty of real life is just how ugly it is.

4.     Ignorance is not an immutable trait, which is why we should never celebrate it.

5.     If your argument for anything has the words “Jesus” or “God” in them – you do not have an argument; you have a belief, which should absolutely be kept to yourself.

6.     If wealth and intelligence were complementary traits, college professors wouldn’t dress like hobos.  Most money is dumb money.

7.     I’ve determined the sexiest part of a woman’s body is her brain… with a three-way tie for second place.

8.     Flattery is like fashion: it’s best when it’s personal, it costs less than you think and nothing will make you look better to those around you.   

9.     The two least attractive words you can say to a woman at 42 are: “Never married.” 

10.  The great secret to business is nothing you’ll learn in Business School or in any school for that matter: it’s relationships, stupid. 

11.  In the social media era, we’ve never said more, and never meant any of it less.

12.  The success of any minority in obtaining rights, recognition and equality is not when they march in the streets, but when they no longer have to.

13.  I am wholly unequipped to interact with partisans in the “post-truth” era.  Turns out I really only have one club in the bag, and if facts and/or reason can’t get you to challenge your beliefs, congratulations, you found a way to be permanently stupid. 

14.  Fitness never goes out of style.

15.  Your jeans, however, always do. 

16.  The older I get, the more that Eagles lyrics make sense.

17.  There’s very little that I admire more in a person than their ability to be their true selves. 

18.  No matter what people tell you, they never get over their old crushes.  You got that, Katey?

19.  It took me over forty years to say it publicly – but I don’t believe in God.  At all.  I believe in people.  Like you.  And me.

20.  If you ever wonder if you should wear something, you shouldn’t.  Especially that hat. 

21.  Your faith isn’t ridiculous, but your religion absolutely is.  No matter which one. 

22.  When women say they won’t date an overweight man, they’re being confident, when a man says he won’t date an overweight woman, he’s being a body-shaming, woman-hating troll who should obviously die alone.  #Equality.

23.  Speaking of hashtags – that’s how lazy we’ve gotten, we can’t even be bothered to derive subtext - #WeNeedSomeoneToDoItForUs.

24.  Motherhood is not a magic wand – it doesn’t make you a good person, smarter or confer any special knowledge on you.  It’s only evidence of a functioning uterus.  Which is about as special as not being bald. 

25.  It’s not about being beautiful – it’s about owning your ugly beautifully. 

26.  When your childhood heroes start dying, you start realizing that you were your own hero, all along. 

27.  Watching my college classmates get command is a solid reminder that even the least promising twenty-year-olds can turn out fucking spectacular.  Maybe there’s hope for millennials, after all. 

28.  We’ve done a great job of creating universal shame for bigotry and ignorance – unfortunately, at the same time we also became completely universally shameless.

29.  Jenny McCarthy is responsible for more needless childhood deaths than any other person alive today – and not only is she free, she won’t even apologize. 

30.  I have never seen any woman, of any age, ever, get excited in any way by a revved engine.  Yet, somehow, every douchenozzle I come across continues to use this as their primary mating call.

31.  Only people with insane and unreasonable opinions even whine about not being “judged” for them – the rest of us are happily judged for what we believe in.

32.  The existence of multiple arguments does not make them equally valid or deserving of “equal time.”

33.  There has never been a better or more compelling case for the Electoral College (or any “republic” function of our democracy) than the 2016 elections.  Anyone who trusts public consensus hasn’t spent much time in “public.”

34.  The American distinction between marijuana and alcohol represents the single most effective PR campaign in modern history. 

35.  The older I get, the exponentially less poorly I feel about going to bed early. 

36.  No matter what else you do, or are or have done (cure cancer, save orphans, give to charity, etc.), if you’re a bigot – that’s all you are.

37.  I can forgive people doing almost any terrible thing – unless they do it to children, then fuck you. 

38.  Life is bad for your body – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live it.  What are you saving up for?  Your second go round? 

39.  Believing in some of medicine is like in some of astronomy.  Like, I’m cool with Mars and Venus – but Mercury is bullshit (I read it on the Internet). 

40.  Finishing any level of school should not be called “graduation” unless there’s a reasonable chance you might not have finished it.  Ya got that, 8^th graders?!

41.  Generosity is giving to people to need it most and who expect it least.

42.  There is nothing more important, more difficult or more valuable than simply showing up. 

Here’s to those who keep showing up - see you next year, kids.