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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

3 Fall Fashion AYFS

I know what you’re thinking, that’s a typo.  No, it’s not.  So your next question is “What the hell is a AYFS?”  And to that, good sirs, I would answer: it is the next standard for Twitter-friendly, SMS-friendly fashion mockery – the Are You F&#@g Serious.  The AYFS represents the kind of wardrobe and grooming choices that make a grown man or woman wonder whether what you’re wearing is a joke or not.  It really is a testament to our increased tolerance – as we have come to embrace our differences – that it takes something as bad as these to actually get our attention these days.  But just as hope springs eternal that we will grow our tolerance and love for our fellow man, pragmatism arrives shortly thereafter to advise that no matter how far we go, there will always be people stupid, shameless and utterly non-self aware enough to still be ridiculous.  In tribute to indomitable strength of the human spirit no matter how misguided it may be, here are my top 3 Fall Fashion AYFS:

1.  Out Claws.  Not too long ago, I was lamenting the latest trend in ladies fingernails, the “oval” – which I opined, back then, looked a little like “claws” and not necessarily the most demure accessory.  Well, rather than turn back, it looks like the latest generation of fashionistas is trending the ladies’ nail look from “oval” to “outright talon.  Seriously, I’ve started seeing nails that look like they are part of a horror movie or a Halloween costume – on professional secretaries.  I’d be more comfortable shaking hands with a chainsaw than one these clawed paws.  No matter where than hand is, you’re just a flick of the wrist away from multiple lacerations.  I can’t imagine what is attractive about this.  After all, we openly mock women who have had so much plastic surgery that they look feline, and yet we’re eagerly transitioning into sharpened claws as couture accessory?  Look, ladies, if you want to feel a weapon in your hand, blunt your nails and grab a gun – or at least some mace – and leave the claws to the animals.

2.  Pegged Jeans.  Now I know how my parents must have felt when they started seeing kids wearing bell-bottom jeans – a forgotten relic of their ill-considered fashion past suddenly reappearing like a living, breathing reminder of their poor adolescent choices.  The reappearance of “pegged” jeans is the least welcome comeback since the Color Me Badd Reunion Tour.  The slavish devotion with which we had to ensure our jeans stayed tightly rolled against our ankles seemed like a bad idea while we were doing it – hindsight renders it completely absurd.  And yet, we failed to warn this generation in any appreciable way.  Sure, we showed them pictures, but we only talked about the hair and the colors and the shoes … the pants just seemed obvious.  Nevertheless, we are left with the irony of the very worst of our pantheon of regrettable teenage fashion choices being the first one to revisit us. 

3.  Hats Off.  Looking back I realize, that I’ve really only ever ranted and raved about the dangers of wearing ballcaps —  in the wrong places, wrong directions and wrong styles – but never about the many other kinds of men’s hats.  So, in a way, I may be partially responsible, as I always assumed that any other type of men’s hat was so obviously, painfully and awkwardly silly, that there was no need to point that out to anyone.  Honestly, unless you’re using it to keep warm, if you’ve got something on your head besides a ballcap, you should immediately start riding a motorcycle without a helmet.   Hey, you can just use your own hat, instead!  But seriously, though, the fact that clothing retailers have one again convinced American men to try hats as accessories is a testament to their own evil genius.  So, while I rail on here about the absolute and utter lack of respect I would have for any man who was wearing a hat that wasn’t part of a uniform, and do my level best to rage against the dying of any good sense, I suspect that no matter how ridiculous we make the hatted public feel – they’ll always been someone lame enough to cap back up.

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Summer is always an easy time for fashion.  After all, we’re not clothing that much of ourselves – it’s hard to get it so wrong (but not impossible – right, mom jeans shorts girls?).  Summer is shorts, suits, and sandals.  But every fall, when the chilly nights and breezy days give us cause to cover back, it seems like our brains got a little too much sun and we completely forget how to sensibly dress ourselves.  And so, the annual cycle renews – we fall to the suggested musings of a few flamboyant Frenchmen, and suit up into the sublime and the ridiculous –until it’s so cold that don’t care what we’re wearing as long as it’s warm.  To that end, let’s raise a toast, to those too stupid to properly use their mirror and to the coming winter which will send them back into hiding for another year.  


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