Latest 3 Things

Sunday, June 15, 2014

40 Things

  1. Forty is not the “new” anything.  It’s forty – get over it, and have a sandwich, already.
  2. My twenties were a decade of wanting things I couldn’t have, my thirties was a decade of having things I didn’t want and I suspect my forties, as a result, will pretty much be awesome.
  3. I am the “old guy in the club” – but that doesn’t mean I should feel bad about your girlfriend watching me dance.  
  4. It turns out that I would actually trade a leg before I'd give up dancing... thankfully, I have good enough doctors that I didn't have to.
  5. Discretion is not just the better part of valor, it's also the key to negotiation, relationships and just about the best thing about getting older.
  6. Aging out of the "target demographic" doesn't mean you aren't cool anymore, it means that you can finally stop changing your definition of "cool."
  7. My greatest regret, to date, is not taking enough (any) vacations - which also turns out to be a pretty resolution resolution for my forties.
  8. Girls old enough to drink were born after I graduated high school - that's some perspective for you.
  9. I finally figured out the source of the "most annoying sound in the world" (a la "Dumb and Dumber") - it's the sound of a toddler throwing a tantrum.  And that nails it.
  10. There are more tests required to complete the first grade than there are to get a drivers license - and it shows.
  11. The only thing more terrifyingly stupid than the religious right are their children.
  12. I have a better chance at becoming the next President of the United States than anyone in the Republican Party. 
  13. The sexes do profoundly more damage to themselves than they do to one another.
  14. Anyone who rebuts climate change by noting that "it's cold outside" should be euthanized. Immediately.
  15. I'm more embarrassed by the "Creation Museum" than I am by all of reality television, collectively.
  16. I finally figured out why traveling costs so much - it's worth it.
  17. Ignorance is not a disability, and therefore I can see no reason why we should accommodate it - especially at the common expense.
  18. A vocabulary tells the story of your mind - if yours is small, so are you.
  19. Douchebaggery has become so ubiquitous that now women are doing it.  Yes, that means you, girl with the aviator shades, Yankees cap and over-collagened lips.  
  20. No nation that systemically subjugates women can rightfully be considered "first world." Talking to you, Saudi Arabia.
  21. The Bible (along with all religious texts) is an allegory.  Stop it, already.  
  22. I'd rather wear high heels than Crocs, "man-dals" or any shoe made from a reptile.
  23. Just because everyone doesn't think you're beautiful doesn't mean no one does.
  24. There really are purely evil people in this world - and most of them are not in charge of anything.  If you can't find the good in someone - it just might not be there.
  25. Xenophobia is the ultimate intellectual cowardice. We're sharing this planet, so make some friends who don't look like you already.
  26. If you're not getting more tolerant as you get older, you're missing the point.
  27. There is no good reason to rev your engine at a stoplight unless you're in an action movie, the 50's or transit with a pregnant woman to the hospital.  Trust me, you're none of these things.
  28. I used to think the phrase "You're special" had two different meanings.  Now, I think if you need to hear one - you probably need to hear both.
  29. Vanity is perfectly acceptable, as long as it comes with a healthy dose of perspective.
  30. The United States is not fighting to be the best country in the world, it's fighting to stay in the top half.
  31. There is no such thing as "an old soul" - just kids pretending to be grown ups, and grown ups who think parrots are "smart" animals.
  32. Tax exemption is an outdated of an an idea as segregation - and we should be ashamed of it. Sports leagues, churches and charities don't need any help making (or keeping) money.
  33. Leadership and being "in charge" are not the same things (though they do go well together). However, leadership and mentorship, are.
  34. I meet "good kids" so rarely that I want to take down their names so I can contact them in ten years and offer them a job.
  35. You must learn how to be an asshole - not as a personality trait, but as a rarely used skill. Without it, you will get taken advantage of.
  36. If your friends don't ever criticize you, they are not your friends.
  37. It's not always ok to cry, but it's definitely ok to cry.
  38. We don't read, write or learn enough.  Tragically, none of them have ever been easier, less expensive or more universally available.
  39. Our life stories are better told the way we used to tell them - passing them down as fading recollections, rose-colored memories and hyperbolic anecdotes.  So, put the camera phone down and just take it all in.  
  40. Three things you should never have to explicitly notify anyone of: being smart, being rich, or being in charge.  If you're the real deal - everyone that matters will know without you saying a word about it.  


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