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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

3 Ladies Magazine Lies

A few weeks ago, I took on the bevy of men's magazines that seem to offer up the same needless and ill-considered advice month after month - and while I had previously believed that we were the only gender so easily duped by glossy pages, catchy prose and the promise of the company of the uber-attractive, it turns out I was wrong. Women's magazines seem to have been in abundant supply for much, much longer than their male counterparts. Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Elle, Marie Claire and more seem to have been on the newsstands as long as there have been newsstands. But, as it turns out, the smarter, more mature and better looking gender is also being fed a steady diet of mistruths, misconcpetions, and misinformation by these storied publications - just like their more contemporary male counterparts.

And so in the interests of equal time, gender equity, and an excuse to peek in Cosmo, here the 3 biggest lies told by women's magazines:

1. Leave the Tip. I don't think I've walked by a womens magazine in the last decade that hasn't offered, with varying degrees of ambiguity, tips for women in the bedroom. I really cannot imagine how this helps to sell magazines. First of all, the male orgasm is easier to achieve than a hit in Tee-Ball. It's akin to the "instructions" on a shampoo bottle (i.e. Find the hard spot; Stroke; Repeat). If this is the type of knowledge you think of as a "trick", I'd advise you to get a magic show with all due speed, you're really going to have your mind blown. Second, the vast majority of these "tips" are things so awkward and deviant that they're likely to (a) attract the sort of neck-tattooed circus freaks that you're better off avoiding, and/or (b) scare off the "normal" guy you're sleeping with faster than talk about ovulation. If you need tips in the bedroom, you don't need a magazine, you need a new man.

2. Shape No-wear. The only thing that would be more disappointing to find under a woman's clothing than Spanx, control-tops, torsettes or any of the widely-proffered "shapewear" peddled endlessly in these magazines would be a penis. Seriously, I cannot imagine the level of self-loathing that it takes to squeeze one's self into full-body elastic rather than simply buy clothing that actually fits you, but I know it's the sort of thing that should be being treated by a professional. I'm all for flattering lines, cuts, etc. (and for the record, I still don't know why thin girls wear anything with an "A-line"), but this sort of lying nearly rises to the level of conspiratorial. If anyone suggests that you put yourself into something like this, it's a fairly safe bet that they don't like you. If a magazine does it, it's a fairly safe bet that they think you're stupid. Take it from someone with three and a half decades of bachelorhood - the sexiest thing you can wear under your clothes is confidence.

3. Fashionably Hate. Letting a magazine which is largely sponsored by the fashion industry tell you what you should be wearing is like letting a used car salesman tell you what you should be driving. The fashion business appears to have become a monolithic and unstoppable amplifier and enabler for the warped and drug-fueled visions of a few crazy Frenchmen. Inexplicable trends become global phenomena, with price tags to match. This insanity has caused us to suffer through the rebirth of the poncho, the horror of couture sweatsuits, and the footwear failings of the gladiator sandal. What impossibly thin, six-foot-tall French girls or impossibly rich celebrity actresses are wearing is no more a reliable guide to looking good than matching Warren Buffet's stock buys will make you rich. There is something inherent in the female brain that knows what looks good and what doesn't. Use this instinct, and leave the couture obscure.

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Ladies, it's no secret that we men have to rely on you to be the leveler-headed gender. We spend the vast majority of our lives as slaves those very same hormones that make us both capable of moving furniture, opening jars and changing flat tires, while still being unable to form coherent thoughts when a sufficiently attractive woman walks by. We have to count on you to not fall victim to charlatans, false prophets and snake oil salesmen. So the next time you're paging through one of these women's publications, remember, be careful how much of them you take to heart - because there's no one to save you from any bad advice you might receive. Sure, we secretly pick them up when you're not around, but just like our own magazines, mostly just look at the pictures.


Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

Interesting that the magazines tell people to hide their bodies with control tops, etc. Aren't these the same women's magazines that were originally started to help empower women? Instead, they are feeding image stereotypes?


Denise said...

Re #2: push-up / padded bra ok? Maybe you guys should just factor these things in before deciding whether you want to see us naked. ;)

Anonymous said...

It's very hard to find a person that is Beautiful onside and out. So if you have been so lucky you should hold on to them and never let go.

Jen and Tonic said...

Rule #1: I know someone who actually injured her boyfriend's penis using a tip she read in Cosmo. It was some reverse hair-pulling cowgirl with frog legs or something along those lines.

Rule #2: I feel so bad for a person when I see rolls of skin poking out from what it obviously a body shaper. If I'm uncomfortable looking at it they must be twiec as uncomfortable wearing it. I don't care if you're 100 pounds or 300 pounds, DON'T DO IT. I agree with you Glenn, just wear clothes that fit.

Rule #3: That made me laugh so hard. I forgot how much I loathed the poncho. *shudders* The gladiator sandal is equally as disgusting. What about the Croc? PLEASE tell me you didn't forget about that one.

Sam said...

The troubling thing is that more people haven't seen through this facade sooner. Commercial interests are interested in monetary gain and will feed you ANY content that will manipulate you to continue purchasing their products. That these vendors (publishers and advertisers) have so little regard for the truth is disgraceful, because the truth is what sets people free, and lies are a prison for those who believe them. What else in our great, liberated, American society is a greed-driven farce?

Anonymous said...

Wow so that's how guys think....funny!

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